


That somebody's me

by Taekoppa



Category: Kpop - Fandom, VIXX
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 17:00:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14549241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taekoppa/pseuds/Taekoppa
Summary: Hakyeon didn't think he could try reaching out to Taekwoon any longer. Not with how the younger was treating him. They've known each other practically their entire lives and Taekwoon had been there, through each moment in Hakyeon's life. But now it seemed the other didn't want to be a part of his life anymore and Hakyeon just doesn't know how to let go of the most important person in his life. His only family. His lifelong friend. The love of his life.





	1. Hold your tears

**Author's Note:**

> I suck at summaries? like I really do. I made my own fic sound really lame lol but please read anyway. Neo is my life and heart I adore them to bits. As any author does I love kudos and comments so please feel free to leave them XD enjoy guys (^o^)

btw the titles are from Taek's song recommendation way back when in vixx tv 1 when they had that spring themed photoshoot and they asked Taek what song reminds him of spring. The song is from Clazziquai and is called Hold your tears. It's really beautiful and worth the listen. they have an english version of the song too.

 

Jaehwan P.O.V:

I sighed as I watched my two hyungs walk along the pathway to the university door. Hakyeon was huddled close to Taekwoon’s side as they trudged through the snow, probably taking cover from the cold, he was smaller and thinner after all. Taekwoon’s long coat billowed out behind him and you could just catch that he had his hands in his pockets as he walked.

From the outside it might have looked like two close friends walking together or even a couple that were huddled close to escape the cold as they made their way to the university, but when you looked closely, or maybe knew them like I did, you could see that all wasn’t as it seemed.

You could see Taekwoon’s faint scowl present on his forehead as Hakyeon tried to take his arm into his. You could see how Taekwoon tried to shrug him off. Hakyeon pouted from the loss of contact but it didn’t look like Taekwoon worried much and walked on, leaving Hakyeon behind. While Taekwoon’s gaze was off his, Hakyeon let his playful mask fall and even from the distance I was standing away you could clearly see the hurt in his face. His eyes trailed down and a little hitch made its way to his forehead, his lips tugging down unhappily. Yet it was only there for a moment before Hakyeon raised his head and ran after Taekwoon catching up the distance he had left. “Wait Taek!”, you could hear Hakyeon call out before he made it to the other’s side. I watched on sadly as Hakyeon attempted to reach out, take the other’s arm again or snuggle to his side before he stopped and let his hand drop behind Taekwoon and rather decided to just silently fall in next to the other as they walked the last few steps before coming to the small cement stairs. With another sigh I shrugged myself off the tree I had been standing against and followed their footsteps, walking to the door until I was inside.

It wasn’t always like this. Taekwoon getting so easily annoyed at Hakyeon, Hakyeon hesitating to reach out to Taekwoon in the first place. It was the opposite really. Hakyeon would cling to Taekwoon like his life depended on it, Taekwoon wouldn’t exactly respond being the shy introverted guy he was, not easily showing his emotions even if it were for his best friend of more than ten years, yet he would never push Hakyeon away. While Hakyeon was loud and sometimes overbearing, always moving, talking with so much energy, Taekwoon was the opposite. The strong, silent type you could say. He would only show how much Hakyeon really meant to him when it needed be, in times when they were alone and when Hakyeon really needed him. He was always there for Hakyeon, through all the years, through all the important milestones in life and through hardships as well. Both were turning twenty this year, but Hakyeon had gone through things that most twenty year olds had not. Never had I seen Taewkoon show more emotion than at Hakyeon’s parent’s funeral. Hakyeon had been in tears, Taekwoon holding him tightly, Hakyeon sobbing over and over again that Taekwoon should just stay by his side, he couldn’t leave Hakyeon as well. It was so heartwarming watching from the side as Taekwoon said and did all the things he never usually did. “I love you.”, “I won’t leave you.”, “I’ll always be here for you, Hakyeon.”. Taekwoon stayed wilfully by his side from that day on, taking care of Hakyeon, always worrying about Hakyeon. That had been four years ago, yet now…that beautiful memory seemed far away. Now Hakyeon felt like he was simply a burden to Taekwoon and it looked like Taekwoon only stayed because he had to, he felt responsible to, because he had promised. It was sad watching your friends drift apart. Or at least Taekwoon drift apart, while Hakyeon tried to desperately clutch onto something that was slipping away.

Of course it wasn’t only their friendship. Naturally along the years Hakyeon’s feelings had developed into something more. He loved Taekwoon dearly, but it wasn’t only as his friend, as his only kind of family left after his parent’s had died, he was in love with Taekwoon and although Taekwoon was blind to seeing this, it was as clear as daylight to me. Hakyeon knew I knew. Second to Taekwoon I was Hakyeon’s other good friend that he had made through high school and coincidently we went to the same university. In times when he was lonely and needed someone to talk to that wasn’t Taekwoon, or needed to talk about Taekwoon, Hakyeon confided in me, his dorm roommate. We had become close and although I talked more to Hakyeon, I had gotten to know Taekwoon fairly good as well. He didn’t mean bad, he was just strikingly oblivious to all things around him and it became obvious to me how he had not seen through Hakyeon right from the start, had figured out his feelings for him. I had thought at first I could just cut all the crap and tell Taekwoon already how Hakyeon felt, but seeing how things between them were now changed my mindset. Knowing of their past also changed things drastically. How could I know Taekwoon really felt for Hakyeon like Hakyeon did for him? It wasn’t my place to meddle anyway.

But I didn’t want to see my friend go thought the pain of being pushed away from the person he thought he could trust most in the world, seeing him pretend that everything was always alright, that he never cried or needed to tell Taekwoon if he felt sad or lonely, because then Taekwoon would just have to take care of him again. Hakyeon hated feeling like a burden.

It didn’t always look bad though, sometimes you could still see the deep bond of friendship that ran between the two when Hakyeon made a silly joke or was just naturally being his exuberant self and Taekwoon would smile or laugh, a rare sight, something that only Hakyeon knew how to initiate that well. They were still always together despite how things looked shaky to me. The point of it was even if Taekwoon felt burdened he would never leave and Hakyeon would always be the closest person Taekwoon had ever known, the only person he could show his emotions a little easier to, the only person that knew him so well.

I didn’t see Hakyeon at the dorm so often. If he wasn’t with Taekwoon he would be on his own most likely in the dance studio, endlessly dancing, creating his own choreography. He preferred dancing at night when it was dark and he had the place to himself completely. No one would be using the place that time of night and Hakyeon indulged in the privacy of dancing at his time and working on his own things. Yet I worried the most about him at times that he stayed away for hours at a time only returning to sleep in the early morning two or three hours before we had to wake up for class again. Besides the fact that it was unhealthy and Hakyeon definitely needed more sleep I was worried becomes he was entirely on his own through those hours and even Taekwoon wasn’t allowed to be there. It was Hakyeon’s personal space where he let go of his emotions. But he’d never say anything when he returned and often he would look haggard and emotionally drained like he had been crying for hours instead of dancing. So if there was the odd chance that he was home early I grabbed at it to talk to him. We didn’t take the same course so it wasn’t like we could see each other in classes so the next day when Hakyeon was happily sitting on our couch, snacking on popcorn while watching something on the TV I smiled instinctively and joined him there.

It seemed to be a good day for Hakyeon I hadn’t seen him anywhere the entire day but apparently he was off early and hadn’t felt the need to lock himself in the dance studio for hours. I wanted to talk to him though…if he wasn’t telling Taekwoon anything anymore, always pretending that it was alright he wasn’t telling anyone and that meant he was bottling it all up and dealing with it all alone.

“How are you hyung?”, I asked, grinning as I caught sight of what he was watching. A cheesy drama that had recently started airing.

I turned my body to face him hoping to get some other reply than the usual “I’m fine.” or “great”.

“You sound so serious Jaehwannie.”, Hakyeon responded, clearly dodging the actual question and reaching out to ruffle my hair playfully. I whined shifting away from him and he simply giggled at my reaction before returning to watch the drama. I sighed. This was typical Hakyeon. He would always pretend that everything was okay. Or he would just avoid everyone. But now he was here and he was my friend and for once I just wanted him to talk to me, to not worry by himself as he always did. When would he realise that he had people to lean on? That he was allowed to lean on them in the first place.

“Hyung really, how are you? I hardly see you anymore, I want to talk. I miss you.” I knew encouraging Hakyeon helped at least, letting him know that the other person needed him and needed him to talk too. Something Taekwoon never did, I thought with a sigh. For someone that knew Hakyeon so well you’d think that he’d know these things.

Hakyeon turned to face me properly then, shifting he sat cross legged in front of me, his expression void of all the earlier playfulness and now the natural, caring nature seeping through and clear in the way he tilted his head and his brow creased in worry.

“Are you doing fine Jaehwan?”, Hakyeon enquired, his hand reaching out to pat my leg, always worrying, taking care of others; he’d always push his own problems away and put others first. He always thought it was his job to carry the responsibilities for others.

“Hyung, I’m good, really, don’t worry about you, I want to know how you’re doing”

His brow only creased further and his shoulders hunched. “I don’t want to bother you, it’s anyway not anything new, you’ve heard it before Jaehwan.”

“It doesn’t mean because it isn’t something new that’s bothering you that you shouldn’t talk about it.”, I countered, raising my brow at him, trying to look stern. “It’s still important whether you’ve said it before or not.”

Hakyeon looked put off by my words more than anything else, but maybe because he realised they were true and that he had to talk, to admit his feelings. He sat back, almost defensively, and his face scrunched up. Disgruntled he let out a huff of air, his defences visibly deflating and he wrung his hands nervously together before he spoke.

“I don’t…”, he paused, taking another breath, choosing to voice his words correctly. “I don’t know what to do about Taek.”, he admitted, the corners of his mouth turning down in displeasure.

I tried to supress the smile that threaten to break through after he finally, finally opened up to me again after what had been months of avoiding anyone when he felt like this. Maybe somehow this could work out if I talked to them both.

“What about him? Are things strange between you two?”

“Not exactly strange. It’s just you know I’ve told you how I feel about him and I don’t know how to handle it. I want to tell him but I know, I know he doesn’t feel the same, Jaehwan. It’ll just ruin everything.”

“Why do you say that? How do you know he doesn’t?”

Hakyeon gave a sour look, probably at the memory that popped into his head. “He’s been…he’s been pushing me away lately. And if he does that now…now only as friends then how could he possibly want more than that? If he’s rejecting me as a friend Jaehwan he certainly won’t suddenly want more than that. And I can read him like a book, he always thinks he hides his emotions so easily but it’s clear as day how much I’ve been irritating him all this time. So I should just leave it alone…I should just leave him alone really. He clearly doesn’t want me there.”

Hakyeon’s voice was breaking horribly by now and the sight of him fighting back how much this actually hurt him made my heart break for him…Taekwoon was such an idiot, did he even know what he was doing to Hakyeon? No, he didn’t.

“Hakyeon, Taekwoon isn’t going to reject you. Think about it you’ve known each other for so long, he’s always been there he won’t just suddenly decided he doesn’t want to anymore.”

“But that doesn’t make it any better, does it? Him feeling like he’s forced to stay, cause it’s his responsibility to take care of me and be my friend, because I made him promise back then, because he promised my parents. I’d rather spare him the trouble if it’s unwanted. That’s why it’s better that I leave and just subtly drift away otherwise he’ll just get fed up one day and tell me he’s had enough. I’d rather leave than having him leave me…I wouldn’t be able to bear it Jaewan.” Tears were spilling down his cheeks by now and he was clutching at his own legs, his knuckles white from the tension.

“Hakyeon, Hakyeon.”, I chanted over and over in an attempt to soothe him, holding him close to me. I could feel every sob tearing through his chest, every shake of hysterical tears that overflowed. Why did he need to hurt so much? Why did he need to beat himself up over it?

“Why do you always think everyone is going to leave you? You’re not alone.”

“But they do!”, Hakyeon screamed suddenly, trying to push at my shoulders to get away. I held him tighter though and let him talk. This was good, he was talking, he was crying, he was sharing his pain, he needed that.

“My parents left me! Taekwoon only stays because he needs too, you know that’s true! And I feel pathetic that I so desperately need him when he clearly doesn’t need me. I need him to be happy, to smile…I need him so much Jaehwan I can’t function without knowing he’s there, but he doesn’t care.” He broke down in another wave of sobs, clutching at my shirt, while I held him, rubbed over his back.

“He does care! He doesn’t show it a lot-“

Hakyeon scoffed bitterly interrupting what I wanted to say. “He doesn’t at all. I know him so well and I’m supposed to be his friend, the person he’s closest to but that doesn’t mean anything to him. Do you know the last time he told me he loved me, hugged me out of his own free will, told me anything important, asked me if I wanted to talk, bothered to really find out if something was wrong?” he didn’t give me time to respond before he went on. “Two years ago! Two years ago that he bothered to share anything with me! He just cuts me off without saying anything, without telling me why. At first I thought there was something wrong and I’d be able to break through his guard, that he’d tell me, of all people, but no. he pushed me away, ignored me. He wouldn’t tell me anything and eventually I just assumed that it was nothing that had happened but just how he was going to be from now on…always I was the one that he was able to talk to freely, to actually show his emotions. I’ve seen him cry, I’ve held him, told him it would all be alright, but now when I need him he’s not here…he’s never here anymore.”

I fell silent after Hakyeon’s sorrowful words. Just how bad had things become between them? Had Taekwoon just given up trying, had he stopped caring? How could he never once in two years be there for Hakyeon as a real friend? Now I understood the meaning behind Hakyeon feeling alone…because he was. The person that should’ve there for him had forsaken him and left Hakyeon to deal with things by himself.

“I guess I shouldn’t complain”, Hakyeon interrupted my thoughts, “he’d been there when I really needed him. He’d never been more…close to me as when my parents died. He was there every day, everytime I cried, he held me, told me over and over again that I wasn’t alone and he would there for me whenever I needed him…maybe Taekwoon had given all that he was able to give at that time and now…he just thinks I don’t need it anymore...”, I great sigh left Hakyeon’s lips as he heaved himself off of me and sat back, wiping at his red swollen eyes. “I want to there for him like I was for him you know, I want him to need me and confide in me like he used to…it wasn’t this hard before…things were less complicated. I’d run to him when I cried, he’d tell me of his hardships and disappointments, there was never any thought behind depending on each other…but now…I guess we grew up and Taek learned how to get by on his own, to be independent…I should’ve learned that too, but once again I always depended on others…its weak.”

“Hakyeon it’s not weak…”, I replied meekly, my plans of consoling Hakyeon and maybe fixing things somehow went out the door. I didn’t know what to do now. “The people in your life are there to depend on, to let you share your emotions…you shouldn’t have to carry it on your own.”

“But that doesn’t mean I should break down every time I feel this way! I shouldn’t feel so affected all the time! Others can move on after a time but I just feel stuck, I feel the same emotions over the same things again and again and even if things are better at a time they still come back and its only really when Taek was so much more in my life that it didn’t bother me, that I could say that I had been sad before but I’m okay now…I hate how I depend on him…how I need him to be happy…I shouldn’t need other people to be happy Jaewan!”

“Everyone needs others…in different ways maybe, but you need people and that’s not weak, other people can’t even admit that Hakyeon, they struggle and they push anyone close to them away, they say that they don’t need others…it’s all just a front…you’re strong because you know what you need and as much as you need others you don’t realize how much the others might need you. ”

“Maybe…I know some are like that, but Taek…Taek’s different.” All the energy spent on crying had drained Hakyeon and he had calmed down considerably, now resting his head on the back of the couch. “Still even if there’s no one else I’d be okay if Taek was always there…he’s…”

“That special person.”, I finished, chuckling at the off look Hakyeon had given me at my choice of words. “And that hurts hyung, you don’t need me to? You’d been fine if I wasn’t here”, I asked, joking as I pouted, pretending to be upset. At least the oppressing mood had somehow become a bit lighter.

Hakyeon chuckled himself and I could see some of the sadness in his eyes clear, the emotions not raging now that he had talked it out and cried…he needed it. “You know what I mean Jaehwannie. And talking about special someone’s how’s it going with Hongbin?”, Hakyeon suddenly grinned, his previous sadness and tears forgotten.

I looked down shyly, a slight blush making it to my cheeks at his question. “Good…good.”, I repeated, nervously laughing as Hakyeon only grinned on, prodding me for any details on what had developed between our…well hopefully pre-relationship., I thought with another deep blush making its way to my cheeks.

I was thrown off my strategy to get them both happy again. Hakyeon seemed much better after we talked. I don’t know if I had somehow given him a bit of hope but he was back to his smiling self and to me at least it looked genuine. Still I was worried that maybe Taekwoon was really starting to back want out of their friendship…I didn’t want to believe it but with what Hakyeon told me I wasn’t sure anymore. Had he really not said anything to Hakyeon for two years? Couldn’t he see or realize what he was doing? I needed to talk to Taekwoon too and strange enough it was him that sought me out a couple of days later.

“Have you seen Hakyeon?”

Taekwoon looked dishevelled, his hair wind blown as he had run from one class to the next. We were walking in the same direction now down the long hallway.

“Well I see him every night at the dorm…he’s been coming home earlier this week so I’m at least still awake when he’s there.

“Earlier? Had he been coming home later before then?” Taekwoon look worried as he flipped his fringe to the side and out of his eyes.

“Late yeah. Usually around one or two in the morning.”

Taekwoon looked straight at me now, stopping in the middle of the hall. “Why? What’s he doing out so late?” He was definitely worried now.

“He’d gone to dance at the studio. He wanted to be alone there, work on his own stuff you know. Didn’t he tell you anything?” I knew Hakyeon hadn’t told Taekwoon yet I still asked. I wanted to see his reaction. How worried would he really be…if he was it meant he genuinely cared didn’t it?

“No, he didn’t…”, Taekwoon said half distracted, his mind clearly elsewhere, thinking.

“Haven’t you seen him? You two are always together” I wanted to figure out what he was thinking, what he thought about Hakyeon. Figure out what was going on in his brain.

“I think…I think Hakyeon’s been avoiding me.”

“Why do say that?”

“I don’t know, he just…he keeps saying he’s busy at the times we used to hang out. He’s, yeah avoiding me.”

“Maybe there’s a reason he’s avoiding you?”, I said, my voice lain with suggestion. Taekwoon gave me a look after that, his sharp eyes scrutinizing mine for anything I might know. He was silent for a while as I stared straight back, matching his gaze.

“Maybe you should go look for him and talk.”, I suggested, my gaze softening.

“Jaehwan, do you know if something is wrong? If there’s a reason why Hakyeon avoiding me?”

Taekwoon eyes as well looked subdued now and the sheer worry was evident. He cared it was clear. Instead he should just have been showing this to Hakyeon.

“Go look for him. Just go show your concern to him and he’ll talk, I’m sure.”

I wish I could tell him, I wish I could shake some sense into him, but it wasn’t my place to tell him what Hakyeon had told me, to tell him how he truly felt. I don’t know how Taekwoon couldn’t just show Hakyeon that he needed him as well. Was it so hard? Is he just so oblivious to everything and only realizes things too late? They were opposites but they worked. They balanced each other out. And if they had been so close, so inseparable for so long they could be like that again.

“Thank you.”, Taekwoon replied, his voice back to its original softness that he always spoke in.

He was off to class then and I found myself once again pondering over my friends rather than paying attention to my own class.

This would work then right? Taekwoon would go talk to Hakyeon. Taekwoon would show enough concern now that he knew something was up and Hakyeon would tell him, would realize and know that he indeed does care. They’d go back to how they were and there was no doubt to me that Taekwoon wouldn’t feel the same. He may have just been oblivious to his own feelings all this time but if he should realize it, he’d know he couldn’t be without Hakyeon one way or another. And this was better, wasn’t it? They’d be together, they’d be in love, they’d have so much more of each other. They’d love deeply, like Hakyeon had always done and how Taekwoon is meant to. I wanted to see that. I wanted to see their lovesick smiles. I wanted to see them smile.


	2. Even if you hurt me

Hello guys! Thank you for the love chapter has recieved so far! I hope you guys are enjoying it and you like the next chapter too XD

 

Hakyeon dropped his bag on the shining wood floors, the familiar light and airiness of the room, relaxing him. He felt like he could breathe here, like he could just slump his shoulders and let go of any pretences, of any fake smiles. It was relieving this feeling and Hakyeon welcomed the buzz that flowed through his body the instant he turned the music on and closed his eyes. He could almost immediately feel the stress roll off his shoulders and the empowering feeling of not caring what others thought of him or anything else in his life grow in his veins, it felt good.

Taekwoon…the inevitable thought crept into his mind even when he was in this state of complete release of all his other thoughts. A sad sigh left his lips as he swayed his body from side to side, the music filling his ears. What was he supposed to do about all this? Taekwoon kept pushing him away, they hardly talked and Hakyeon had stopped trying to fill the silences whenever they walked to classes together or sat in the field of trees overlooking the campus, a place they had shared so many memories and intimate talks together…now it was only small talk and silence and he found them sitting there less often than not. But maybe that was Hakyeon’s own fault? He had been avoiding Taekwoon anyway. He was getting tired of the silences between them, of Taekwoon not even bothering to ask if there was something wrong. No, he didn’t even notice. Why would he?

Hakyeon’s feet were gliding over the floor, taking him into twists and turns, his own body simply following where his feet took him. His arms were curling around himself, the lonely words of the song echoing through his dance.

Things had been so different before. Taekwoon had taken interest in him, had almost been mesmerized by Hakyeon’s exuberant personality and bright smiles, even when things had taken a bad turn in his life he was somehow positive in a way, trying to always see the best in every situation. Taekwoon had always stuck by his side, his protector, his anchor to which he knew he could always return to. Things had always been so comfortable, so effortless and in Hakyeon’s mind he had built this future in which Taekwoon would be there forever.

He never even thought Taekwoon would change, would grow different. They had grown up together, both matured, the different stages in their lives only bringing them closer, but now…now Hakyeon didn’t know what had become of them.

He wanted to keep things as they were, wanted to be in this perfect bliss of happiness with Taekwoon even if all the other things in his life was going bad. He kept trying and trying to keep things the same, to hold on to the boy, man, he had known for so long, but you could only keep trying for so long. Eventually if the other person wouldn’t respond, wouldn’t show any effort on their side, Hakyeon would give up, would accept that he Taekwoon really didn’t care anymore.

Hakyeon had at first feared that Taekwoon had found out about his feelings for the other, had somehow seen the longing glances or that Hakyeon didn’t hide his shy smiles or blushes so well as he thought he had, but Taekwoon made no indication that he knew, nothing seemed wrong or awkward between them for him, he only looked…bored.

Hakyeon was hurt, terribly so. What had he done that his friend of so long didn’t care for him anymore? Had he been too overbearing and clingy? Taekwoon had always tolerated it before and Hakyeon remembers clearly when Taekwoon had even said that it was cute and that he knew Hakyeon did it to show he cared. It was true, it was his way of showing the other he was always there for him just like Taekwoon had been for him, so that Taekwoon knew he could come to the other for whatever reason and he would welcome him with open arms. Still tit bothered Hakyeon so much that the other suddenly started to push him away when he had never done so before. And now Hakyeon wasn’t even trying to touch the other, take the other’s arm as they walked or hug Taekwoon randomly when he felt a sudden burst of love or care towards the other. He had done surprisingly well for the past two or three years to keep his feelings at bay. Somehow it wasn’t that difficult for him. Taekwoon had always been essentially his minus all the physical extras you got along with a relationship but Hakyeon could save the loneliness or pent up frustration out whenever he was alone and when it was the next day he could look at Taekwoon with a bright smile once again, no lingering worries or emotions on his mind, he could simply enjoy the other’s company.

The only time it had ever become so hard, that he had to pull his hands away from Taekwoon, force himself to not indulge in the touches, was when Taekwoon had had a little but too much wine one night. They were sitting in the field as always and were simply talking, about anything and everything. They had brought two bottles of wine with them, celebrating the end of their exams and now they were looking up at the stars, enjoying the buzz that sang through their veins. Taekwoon was staring at him and Hakyeon had to gulp, trying to force his eyes to break the piercing gaze and look away. Taekwoon had such pretty eyes, they appeared dark but when the light caught them just so you could see the golden touch they had to them. The pretty eyes wouldn’t look away and a lazy smile was adorning Taekwoon’s plush lips. It was sexy and he looked so, so good with his hair sticking up here and there and the first two buttons of his shirt open, a result of the heat and the flush of wine. Hakyeon’s eyes trailed down the pale neck and to the little bit of collarbone sticking out from beneath the collar of his shirt. Hakyeon wanted to kiss the smile of his face, wanted to bite into the skin of his neck and wanted to suck a hickey onto his collarbones. Hakyeon felt himself drift in, lips so close to Taekwoon’s, the other’s warm breath on his face. Taekwoon’s eyes were widened, half amused, half surprised. He was waiting, not pulling away from Hakyoen, yet not closing the distance either and the instance Hakyeon blinked, breaking their heated stare, Taekwoon ducked his head shyly, a chuckle escaping his lips. He sounded breathless though and Hakyeon was left confused, brow furrowed as he moved back. He had no idea what to think of what had just happened, but Taekwoon was turning to him once again and was back to staring at him. Taekwoon sighed, reaching out a hand to stroke through Hakyeon’s hair.

“You look beautiful under the moonlight.”, he said and Hakyeon was shocked, another chuckle escaping Taekwoon’s lips, probably at Hakyeon’s wide eyes and he leant in wrapping his arms around Hakyeon and leaning them back against the grass, resting his head on Hakyeon’s chest, legs tangling together. Hakyeon was taken aback, hands hesitating before they wrapped around Taekwoon’s body and pulled him tighter against him. The pounding in his ears threatened to drown out the steady breaths above him and he had to swallow down the nerves sparking through his body.

It wasn’t the first time they lied like this, they’d often fallen asleep together in each other’s arms and especially when they had had something to drink the touches would come more freely from Taekwoon and Hakyeon both, yet this was the first time they had almost kissed.

And also the last time something similar to that had happened. Hakyeon was brought back to reality when the song changed and the upbeat lyrics made him frown, not really fitting in with his reminisce. Taekwoon had never mentioned something about that night, but then Hakyeon hadn’t expected him too. It wasn’t necessary really, since they both knew things like that was bound to happen if they drank. Hakyeon didn’t want to forget it though, he clung to the memory and felt warmth settle in his stomach when he thought about how warm and adoring Taekwoon’s eyes looked that night. Still it was only a memory. Not reality, not anymore anyway. Taekwoon had clearly changed, moved on maybe. Didn’t need Hakyeon as much anymore and although Hakyeon wanted to cling to all that they were, wanted to fix things and make it like it was before, maybe it was time to move on, like Taekwoon had done.

Hakyeon was interrupted with the door to the studio opening and he had prepared a warning that he was busy but the words died on his lips when he saw who it was. Taekwoon was standing in the doorway, looking quite out of place and lost. When will I stop thinking of how adorable he is? Hakyeon immediately pushed back his previous thoughts and any surprise that may have been written on his face, hands clasping behind his back as he took two steps forward toward Taekwoon.

“What are you doing here?”, he inquired, face meticulously blank, indifferent.

“I was looking for you.” , came Taekwoon’s soft-voiced answer and Hakyeon felt himself sigh. Now he was looking for him, when he particularly didn’t want Taekwoon to find him. The dance studio was his sanctuary, the place he had no reason to hide anything from, but now that Taekwoon had found it, it almost felt like that was ruined, like the other had found his emotions and secrets by just being here.

“Why?”, Hakyeon asked, voice still light and indifferent.

Taekwoon frowned as if the question confused him, made no sense. Hakyeon fought down the urge to tell the other how cute he looked, but the thought and words turned bitter his mouth. Fuck, who am I kidding when will I stop denying my feelings for him?

Hakyeon was wringing his hands together as he waited for Taekwoon to word his thoughts. Years of knowing him had given Hakyeon the knowledge and patience to wait for the other to voice his words, he always analyzed carefully over every single thought he had before he could say them. Hakyeon was the opposite, always speaking his mind. There was no thought when he spoke freely. Well, that’s not entirely true anymore, I don’t seem to speak my mind around Taekwoon for the past two years.

“I…Hakyeon, is there something wrong?”, Taekwoon was looking straight at him now, eyes no longer trained on the hardwood floor. It was unnerving, those eyes. Hakyeon felt naked, like Taekwoon could see straight through him and notice the burn of tears behind his eyes. Hakyeon turned abruptly, a shaky breath escaping his lips and he walked towards the glass window and looked over the campus. It was raining again. Hakyeon placed his hand on the window, palm flat against the cold glass as he watched the droplets slide down the smooth surface. 

“No, why would there be?”, he answered refusing to turn back and look into those eyes.

He could hear and sense Taekwoon step closer and he flinched when he heard the caring voice considerably closer this time. Kind, caring, why did he sound like that now?

“It…”, Taekwoon cleared his throat and took a breath, “it feels as though you’re avoiding me.”

Hakyeon almost wanted to scoff and he had to catch himself not to, his fingers dragged down the glass until he lowered his hand back to his side. “Why would I be avoiding you?”, he countered, voice a bit cold. He knew talking in circles frustrated Taekwoon and he half expected the other to grab him by the shoulders and turn him around to finally face him, yet he only stepped up next to Hakyeon and sighed, leaning his forehead against the glass and closing his eyes.

Hakyeon took the time to study his features now that the piercing eyes weren’t on him. He looked a little tired, a worried frown still on his forehead and Hakyeon wondered what was going through his head right now. His ears and nose were still red-bitten from the cold outside and Hakyoen wanted to reach out and rub them warm. He sighed, he’d had enough of always restraining himself, of always keeping himself in check and thinking about things rather than doing them carelessly and freely with Taekwoon like he used too. Things had always been easier back then, he had only made things complicated for himself. Now he couldn’t have Taekwoon like he had had him over all the years, he missed the closeness whether it was with touch or mind. Of course he had to watch what left his mouth as well since then.

Taekwoon opened his eyes and raised his head to watch Hakyeon curiously and Hakyeon could hold the stare now, his emotions swallowed down a bit. He stared back, feeling as if Taekwoon was searching for something in his eyes. They stayed in silence for a while until Taekwoon broke the gaze and looked around him, taking in the empty studio. Hakyeon followed his gaze and waited patiently for him to say something.

“I want to watch you dance.”

Hakyeon’s eyes widened in shock at the request.

“I haven’t seen you dance in years.”

Hakyeon opened his mouth only to close it again. He watched Taekwoon sit down on the floor, legs crossed and blinking at him patiently.

It took Hakyeon a while to start moving. He took slow steps to the various set up media equipment and flicked through the songs. He couldn’t show Taekwoon the one he’d been working on for the past two months because it basically conveyed how Hakyeon felt, felt about Taekwoon specifically and even if he wasn’t sure if the other would even realize the sad, torn movements of the dance the music would certainly give it away so there was no way. Instead he chose a random contempary dance he had come up with strangely enough on a rainy day like this. The dance was sombre, not too sad at least.

The music started to play and Hakyeon felt exposed again, he carefully avoided Taekwoon’s eyes as he stepped to the centre of the floor and got into the huddled position he began the dance with.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes before the correct beat began and he started to dance. It was easier this way, not having to look at Taekwoon while dancing. It was something with which he bared all his emotions and once again if felt like the other would see through it all, would expose him of all his secrets.

Hakyeon let the music take him over, like he always did when he danced. There was no need to think here, only feel and Hakyeon loved it. All he ever did was think, think about everything over and over again, worry, think of any possible scenario and it was exhausting. Now though he could let his mind stay blank, let the rhythm simply take his body where it wanted and it was bliss. Bliss to simply feel without thinking or worrying.

Hakyeon felt a relieved sigh leave his lips when he had finished, chest heaving as he held the position, back arching and arms stretched out, once beneath himself to hold him up and the other reaching out to the ceiling. Finally relaxing and gracefully turning in on himself and sitting down, mirroring Taekwoon’s cross legged position as he stared back at the other, waiting for a reaction.

Taekwoon had a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips and Hakyeon wondered how long ago he had seen that smile directed at him.

“You look happy when you dance.”, he finally murmured, eyes holding Hakyeon’s.

Hakyeon’s eyebrows rose and he sat back, arms supporting his weight behind him. “It’s not really a happy dance.”

“The music maybe not, but you, you always look happy when you dance even if it’s supposed to be sad.”

Not always. Not when I’m dancing because of you.

“And when I’m not dancing? Do I still look happy then?”, Hakyeon asked, watching the other carefully.

Taekwoon seemed surprised at the question and his eyebrows furrowed in worry. “Why, are you not?”

Hakyeon sighed. And now he seems to worry as if he hadn’t been cold towards me for so long. How could he so oblivious to not even notice I was getting quieter around him, that I was barely even trying to talk to him? How do you get someone so stupid? He’s known me for so long yet he can’t even tell when something is wrong. Another sigh. And now he shows concern…he’s messing with my heart so much and he doesn’t even know it.

“No, no”, Hakyeon denied, and wondered if Taekwoon would even notice the hesitation in his words and the guardedness in his eyes. “I’m just wondering how it looks from other people’s perspectives.”

Taekwoon’s frown didn’t lessen and it was starting to annoy Hakyeon. “You’re always smiling, Hakyeon. Of course you look happy to others, you never look down.”

Ah, of course. When one smiled and looked happy around others they think you’re always like that, always smiling, always positive, never having worries or crying at night. No one ever thinks that you’re maybe just pretending that everything’s alright, that you’re actually hurting. At least it wouldn’t be that bad if no one else noticed, but you knew your best friend could tell, could realize that something was bothering you. Then it wouldn’t matter what other’s thought.

“Hmm.”, Hakyeon hummed in response and Taekwoon’s eyes watched him quizzically and Hakyeon only shook his head.

He leant forward, resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. Taekwoon scooted closer, handing the water bottle to Hakyeon and the dancer couldn’t help the smile that formed on his lips. Despite all that, I still love this idiot. And even his simple courtesy makes me smile.

Hakyeon took the water bottle from the pale hand and sipped as he watched the other. He could already feel the leftover bitterness and anger at the other dissipate with the small, cute smile Taekwoon gave him. Instead there only remained the familiar love and comfort of the other’s presence and Hakyeon could feel the emotion fill him. I’ve missed him so much. Just talking, just having him here with me. I’ve missed my friend.

Putting the bottle aside and feeling the familiar wide grin that felt like himself, spread over his lips, he blinked up at the other and resting his head in his hands again, shuffling closer to the other so their knees were touching.

“So, Taekwoonie, how have you been?”, Hakyeon asked, his usual brightness back in his voice and Taekwoon’s familiar shy blush at the nickname making the other’s heart swell with hope.


	3. Can you ever understand?

Hello thank you all for the kudos I hope you all are enjoying this fic 

I'll get back to replying to comments too!

Enjoy guys! (^_^)

 

False hope. Of course what else should he have expected? Did he really think everything would all of a sudden be alright because of one day that Taekwoon decided to show he cared? That one day had let hope and relief creep back into his mind, had made him think maybe things weren’t that bad after all, maybe Taekwoon had just been busy, been distracted but now that he took a little time and talked to Hakyeon everything was fine. Hakyeon could go on, could go on to keep hiding his feelings if Taekwoon at least went back to how he was, to being Hakyeon’s lifelong friend, but Hakyeon couldn’t take it if Taekwoon pushed him away time after time. In the beginning it was still easy to pick himself up, to shake it off when Taekwoon was cold to him but after so many times it started to bother him, to sit in his mind. He couldn’t ignore it anymore and the rejection stuck to Hakyeon like a disease and Hakyeon found himself not even trying anymore, because after all what did it help?

And because of the false hope, Hakyeon had expected the next day would be the same, that Taekwoon would show his concern and ask him how he was, but no. He was the same Taekwoon, or rather the different one, that Hakyeon had started to shy away from. He had waited for Taekwoon outside of his dorm room door for them to walk to class together as they always did and the second the taller stepped out Hakyeon had broken out in his grin almost immediately grabbing Taekwoon in a hug.

“I missed you Taekwoonie”, Hakyeon cooed, wrapping his arms around the other’s middle. Taekwoon sighed as if the simple action was causing him so much trouble. He was prying Hakyeon’s hands off, and stepping around the older, already walking away. Hakyeon felt his brow furrow and his breath hitch at the awful familiar feeling. He felt horrible and weak when he felt tears burn beneath his eyes. How stupid was I to believe that Taekwoon…to believe-“

Angrily Hakyeon rubbed at his eyes and briskly walked to catch up to the other’s long strides. They walked in silence to their class, nothing new really, but just before they entered the door Hakyeon reached out to grab Taekwoon’s wrist. He kept his eyes downcast, not wanting Taekwoon to see the burning emotion behind them, the sadness, that’s if he would’ve noticed anyway.

“Taekwoon.”, he whispered and saw Taekwoon’s feet turn to face him. He was strangely silent, no protest as usual on his lips whenever Hakyeon initiated contact.

“Am I…”, Hakyeon’s breath was shaky and he kept his eyes fixed on his own fingers wrapped around the pale wrist. “I’m not annoying you am I?”, he asked finally, managing to lift his eyes slightly, enough to see the irritated hitch in the other’s brow.

“Hakyeon, we don’t have time for this we’re late for class.”, and with that he slipped his wrist out of Hakyeon’s grip and walked in. Hakyeon was left standing there, hand still outstretched and open as if it was still holding Taekwoon’s wrist. He felt a hot tear roll down his cheek and swallowed down the aching feeling in his chest as people started to walk by him. Yes, he thought bitterly, that answers my question enough. I was annoying and bothersome…a burden to Taekwoon that’s all. Well, he clearly didn’t want me close to him so I guess I’ll just remove myself from his life. Hakyeon turned from the door, instead choosing to walk back out into the cold, just walking….walking away from his friend. He didn’t want to face Taekwoon now. Not anytime soon really and Taekwoon probably wouldn’t really care. What the hell the previous afternoon had been when Taekwoon had come looking for him Hakyeon didn’t know, but if he was to think it was okay to treat him one way yesterday and another way the next Hakyeon didn’t want to be his friend anymore. But still as Hakyeon sat outside on one of the benches, watching the snow fall down he knew he couldn’t will away the love he had for the other. And he hated it. It sat there in his heart, deep and burning even if he was mad at the other even if he was hurt, it didn’t matter, it all didn’t matter how Taekwoon treated him because he still loved the other….yet Taekwoon would never understand.

“Hyung!” Hakyeon was dazed, he could hear the familiar voice a while away but he couldn’t find it in his cold body to move or respond, he could only sit there and stare out at the campus, at the white covering the pavement.

“Hyung!” The voice was closer this time and after a couple of seconds a brown head of hair appeared before him. Oh. Jaehwan.

“Huyng, why are you sitting out here in the cold, you’re freezing!”, Jaehwan was scrubbing at the other’s hands, rubbing them between his palms, eyes focused on Hakyeon’s blank stare.

“Hyung…Hakyeon hyung, what’s wrong?”, Jaehwan’s voice was so caring, the hand on his so comforting that Hakyeon wanted to cry, the emotion’s from earlier building up and trying to spill over.

I’m so tired of crying, so tired of feeling weak like this, pining over Taekwoon when he couldn’t give me a second thought. I don’t want to cry over him anymore, I’m so tired…

“I’m just tired Jaehwan-ah.”, Hakyeon answered and he could see Jaehwan recoil at the sound of his voice…dead and emotionless so unlike his usual self.

It took the younger a second before his eyes narrowed in determination and his gripped tightened onto Hakyeon’s hands. “Where’s Taekwoon hyung?”, he asked, voice careful and eyes scanning Hakyeon’s thoroughly for any show of emotion. Hakyeon could’ve shied his eyes away, but it was easier showing Jaehwan what was wrong rather than letting the words fall from his mouth. He couldn’t promise himself not to cry anyway.

“Can we at least go inside hyung, I don’t want you to get sick.” Hakyeon nodded slowly and let Jaehwan haul him up to his feet and lead him back to their dorm. Hakyeon’s mind was blissfully blank as they walked, instead watching the ground move beneath his feet as they travelled south of the campus. He only became aware of what was going on around him when Jaehwan pushed him down by the shoulders and onto his warm bed. He curled up obediently and Jaehwan tucked the covers around him, hand coming to rest on his head lightly before he left a peck on his hair.

“Just rest for now hyung.”, he spoke and Hakyeon felt his eyes slip close only now realizing how tired he truly was.

When Hakyeon woke his vision was blurry, the dorm considerably darker than it had been when he had fallen asleep. He came to realize he had probably missed his whole day of classes but couldn’t find it in himself to care. Not right now anyway. He was trying to sit up when he heard the rustling from the small kitchen counter and Jaehwan appeared in his vision, a small kind smile on his lips. “Do you feel better?”, he asked, voice soft as if he didn’t want to bother the darkened silence around them.

Hakyeon had just wanted to open his mouth to reply when a sudden loud banging erupted at their door. Both men jerked in fright at the sudden loud noise and a little gasp left Hakyoen’s lips. An irritated frown was on Jaewhan’s brow as he made his way to the door. He had only taken two steps when the voice on the other end had made him halt, head turning to Hakyeon, still situated on the bed.

“Jaehwan! Open up! Where’s Hakyeon?!” the hurried, almost angry voice blared from the closed door and Jaehwan watched as Hakyeon’s eyes turn into fear, his pupils dilating and hand clutching the bedding to force him against the wall as if trying to get further away from the voice.

“What did he do?”, Jaehwan whispered in urgency, eyes widening in worry as the banging on the door continued.

Hakyeon only shook his head furiously, his knuckle’s turning white at the grip they had on the sheets. Jaehwan turned towards the door then only taking a step closer but making no attempt to actually open the door.

“He’s not here, Taekwoon.” He called out, his voice frank as he looked back to watch Hakyeon again. None of the fear in his eyes had subsided.

“He must be! I can’t find him anywhere. Jaehwan open this door!”

Jaehwan didn’t answer, instead grabbing Hakyeon by the arm and pushing him into the bathroom.

“Lock it”, he commanded before turning towards the door again.

“Jaehwan!” ,the shout continued.

Jaehwan quickly snapped the door open, watching as Taekwoon with heated cheeks and cross brows passed him, storming into the room and whipping his head around to look for Hakyeon.

“I don’t know for what you are mad?”, Jaehwan spoke voice cold and Taekwoon turned to face him, his eyes icy and glaring as they met the other’s.

“Where is he?”, Taekwoon repeated, voice steady as his eyes flickered around the room again and rested on the closed bathroom door.

“He’s not here, and even if he was he wouldn’t want to talk to you.”

Taekwoon sent another death glare before he walked to the door, slamming his flat hand against it.

“Hakyeon!”, he shouted.

Hakyeon was grateful that the shout concealed the sound of the sob that tore through his chest. He was sliding down the door, feeling the hit of Taekwoon’s palm on his back through the door before he was sitting on the cold, tiled floor. He was crying now, all the emotions he had wished he had slept away, resurfacing and tearing through his chest, the tears running down his cheeks as he fisted his shirt. I need to stop running to him each time he calls. I need to let go of him. He’ll never love me the way I love him and I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep pretending. I want to go to him so badly, I want to apologize even if I hadn’t done anything, just so he wouldn’t be mad at me anymore. Why does he only hold onto me each time I try to let go?

There was another slam and another shout of Hakyeon’s name before Jaehwan was grabbing onto his arm and forcing him away. Taekwoon was stronger and ripped his wrist from the other’s grasp. But he was silent, staring straight at Jaehwan, eyes hard.

“Just go, Taekwoon. He doesn’t want you here.”, Jaehwan said, voice now soft and ringing in the previous loudness.

Taekwoon’s eyes were boring and Jaehwan fought the urge to shiver before the taller was out the door, the stark silence and emptiness he left, making Jaehwan stand there in shock for a few seconds before he was testing the bathroom door and heard Hakyeon open the lock of him.

In a split second, Hakyeon was wrapped in the younger’s arms, his tears soaking through his shirt and he felt each sob jerk through Hakyeon’s body.

“Shh, it’s okay.”, he whispered, soothingly, weaving his fingers through the other’s hair. “He’s gone, hyung. I’m glad you let him go.”

At the words Hakyeon let in a shaky breath, the gasp falling into another sob. “I don’t want to Jaehwan, I don’t want to let him go. I love him so much.”

The broken sound of more tears spilling over had Jaehwan gripping the older tighter to him. “I know hyung, I know.”

 

“Are you sure?”, Jaehwan asked. He was trailing around their shared room, watching carefully as Hakyeon applied eyeliner and flicked his fringe until it sat right.

“I need to get out Jaehwan. Besides its fun, Taek and I used to go once every month.” Jaehwan raised his eyebrows and Hakyeon grimaced.

“It doesn’t matter if it’s something we used to do together, it’s something I enjoy and I know I’ll have a good time. And fuck I can go have a drink and dance.”

Jaehwan grinned at the words and moved to his own closet, finishing up so he could accompany his hyung on a well-deserved night out.

“Besides Hongbin might be there.”, Hakyeon teased, giggling at the blush on the younger’s cheeks.

 

The atmosphere of the university club was welcoming, music pounding and the dancefloor filled with young men and women.

“What exactly did you and Taekwoon hyung do here?”, Jaehwan asked sceptically as he followed Hakyeon inside, the older striding in comfortably and taking a seat at the bar. “It’s not like he would’ve danced with you.”

“They do karaoke as well. We sang a lot here, it was our thing you know. But hey you sing really well too you should give it a go.”

“We’ll see.”, Jaehwan smiled. “And oi not too much to drink please, I’m not going to haul a hung over you all the way back to the dorms”

Hakyeon stuck his tongue out at the other before taking the shot he had ordered, gulping the clear white liquid down. “I won’t”, he replied after he had swallowed. “Just enough to get buzzed.”, he grinned.

“Hyung.”, Jaehwan said, voice a warning and eyebrows furrowing in concern.

“Jaehwan-ah I’m fine please I just want to enjoy myself okay? Just for one night I don’t want to think about him.”

Jaehwan nodded and ordered himself a drink taking a seat beside the older.

He had just swallowed the bitter liquid back when Hakyeon grabbed onto his arm, his grip tight. Jaehwan snapped his gaze up in worry yet it lapsed in confusion when he saw the excited grin on Hakyeon’s face.

“What?”, he asked, uncertainly.

“Hongbin is here!”, Hakyeon whispered, even though Hongbin was quite far away, definitely unable to hear over the pounding music.

“What?!’, Jaehwan nearly shrieked. He was flailing, trying to keep himself in check and not whip his head around and stare at the other.

“Oooh! He’s coming here.”, Hakyeon whispered again.

“What do I do?”, Jaehwan asked, worried, eyes wide.

“Relax.”, the older grinned before raising his head and craning his neck.

“Hongbin!”, he called out, loud enough for the other to hear and smile, making his way over to the two situated on the bar stools.

“Hakyeon, nooo.”, Jaehwan groaned before the other had reached them, letting his head fall onto his arms in defeat. The older was bound to tease him endlessly before the other.

“Hey, Hakyeon hyung, Ah Jaehwan hey!” Hakyeon practically grinned from ear to ear when Hongbin brightened at the sight of Jaehwan, dimples now showing in his smile.

“You have perfect timing Hongbin-ah, keep Jaehwan company neh? Hyung is going to dance.” Hakyeon was off his chair with a wink at the other two before he downed his next shot and walked over to the dancefloor.

“Hyung!”, Jaehwan called out, voice worried, again.

Hakyeon fought not to sigh. “I’m fine, Jaehwan-ah.”, he replied with a wave of his hand before he disappeared between the sweaty, moving bodies. The beat in his ears robbing him of any and all thoughts as he placed himself in the middle of the dancefloor, at the center of the bodies grinding against each other, and began to dance.

Hakyeon was thriving off the atmosphere, the thrumming throughout his body successful in numbing his mind. This was perfect, he could let go of everything here, throw all his worries and thoughts away with the heavy sway of his body against other’s and the strong alcohol already running through his veins. He could feel the energy bubbling inside him and he wanted to scream out, he hadn’t felt elated or even happy like this in over a month. It had been two weeks since Hakyeon had seen or talked to Taekwoon and even if he wanted to, was determined to feel like it, he couldn’t truly say that he was better off without Taekwoon. It was hard, avoiding him, ignoring him when all he wanted was to just speak to the other, have his presence around Hakyeon. Instead he felt empty, void of all the emotions he had felt before even if those emotions might not have been pleasant. Taekwoon had tried to come visit their dorm, to talk to Hakyeon and he had never felt so weak, but Jaehwan was helping him, forcing him to commit, to remind him what had caused Hakyeon to cut himself away from Taekwoon in the first place. It was difficult, for so long Taekwoon had been a part of Hakyeon’s everyday life and honestly life without him felt meaningless. Maybe if he stayed away for a while like now it would let Taekwoon learn a lesson, let him know that Hakyeon couldn’t go on with him being like that, but of course that’s not all it had been about in the first place. The fact that Hakyeon loved him, loved him as something so much more as simply a deep, close friend, made things impossible to ever truly be the same. It didn’t matter if Taekwoon knew or not, Hakyeon didn’t want to deny and pretend any longer. He wanted Taekwoon with all or nothing, having half of him wasn’t good enough anymore. And Hakyeon knew, he knew the other didn’t love him in the same way, not if simply the love of friendship between them was so easily forgotten to him. So Hakyeon had to let go, he needed to, he didn’t want to pretend any longer that Taekwoon wasn’t hurting him. It hurt Hakyeon to see Taekwoon so frustrated, confused and the last time he had wanted to talk to Hakyeon, hurt. Hakyeon hated that he was hurting the other, the look on Taekwoon’s face had made Hakyeon want to cry, he didn’t want to lose him as a friend, but he couldn’t handle things being okay for a while only to return to the dreariness it had been before and Taekwoon going back to the cold person Hakyeon didn’t want to know, the person he loved most that was pushing him away.

So now he was here and he knew it was unhealthy turning to alcohol to forget Taekwoon, but for the past two weeks he had been so sick and tired of pining over the other, he needed a break, he needed to just let go of his pent up emotions. And dancing was perfect for it.

He didn’t know how long he had gotten lost in the music, but when he was panting, mouth dry, he decided it was time for another drink. Falling into the little barstools he ordered another drink, gulping it back immediately. He could only feel the affect buzzing yet he wanted the feeling at the forefront of his mind, he needed to forget.

“Hakyeon.” The soft voice came from his right and Hakyeon couldn’t ignore the relieved tone as if the voice had been searching for him for so long and finally found him. The face to that voice had been searching for him, had been searching for the past two weeks. Hakyeon could nearly feel his resolve crumble when he turned his head slowly, the dark features coming into view, so familiar, so comforting that Hakyeon wanted to cry. He wanted to. I won’t, I won’t cry just at the sight of him. Why am I happy that he’s found me? I don’t want to only be happy because of him.

“Hakyeon”, the voice came again, soft, concerned and Hakyeon felt mad, happy and sad at the same time. And he couldn’t deny that the turmoil of emotions was familiar almost relieving…What’s wrong with me?

“Taekwoon.”, he breathed out, his hands around the glass already shaking. He didn’t want to break down now, not in front of the other. He had been okay for all this time, but seeing the other here, now, Jaehwan nowhere to save him and the alcohol in his system having the opposite effect suddenly, his mind filling with the lonely ache that he felt without Taekwoon.

Fuck, I need more alcohol.

“Hakyeon, I-“

“No, no, no please Taekwoon, I can’t right now.”, his words were rushed, they almost felt slurred with the tears burning behind his eyelids. He was already pulling away, trying to put distance between him and the other, between him and those eyes, those eyes that could see everything, see right through him. He was stumbling off the chair, trying to turn away from the other but he grabbed onto Hakyeon’s wrist, of course, grip tight and warm. Hakyeon wanted to sob at that.

“Hakyeon, please, tell me what’s going on? What did I do?” the hurt was back in his voice and eyes and Hakyeon couldn’t stand it, couldn’t stand the burning touch on his wrist.

“No, no”, he was tugging with all his might on the hold, the horrifying tears already spilling over and he felt like crying out. “No, no, no” he chanted the words out, his free hand going to his head, tugging at his hair, the desperate crying shocking Taekwoon into releasing his wrist and Hakyeon was gone, disappearing into the crowd, practically running from the other.

He was gasping for air, his head spinning at the claustrophobia, the crowdedness and his churning thoughts making him mad. I need to get out, I can’t face him again, I need to get out, I can’t breathe.

He tripped, stumbled and fell, he was so close to the door, so close to fresh air. The emotions were bubbling, the sobs just behind his lips threatening to crumble out in front of everyone. Pathetic.

“Hey, Hakyeon are you okay?” the voice was vaguely familiar but all Hakyeon could notice was that it wasn’t Taekwoon’s. The voice grabbed his hand, hauling him up and helping him through the door. Hakyeon gulped in grateful, lungful’s of air, his mind finally clearing. The feeling of going mad, of wanting to pull his hair out at his turmoil of thoughts finally subsided with each breathful, the icy cold helping him to relax.

“Are you okay?”

Hakyeon still couldn’t fully register what was going on around him, who the voice was, all he knew is that he couldn’t run into Taekwoon again. He couldn’t leave the club though, not when Jaehwan was there and would wonder where he had run off to if he suddenly left.

“I need to get back.” If he sat somewhere in an unnoticeable corner Taekwoon wouldn’t be able to find him, hopefully. The club was big enough for that.

“Okay hyung.” Hakyeon remembered the voice now. Sanghyuk, a first year that was sometimes part of their dance classes. He had spoken to the other a couple of times and the younger had taken to stick to him whenever he was in unknown grounds, Hakyeon had taken it upon himself to help the younger with the dance class they had together., feeling responsible as the older.

Hakyeon was careful as he entered the crowd again but luckily the center attention was on a guy standing at the mic, singing. It was apparently karaoke time so at least he could disappear somewhere in a corner. He sunk down on a seat as far away from everyone as possible and he hoped Taekwoon had only gone to search for him when he had run off earlier. Sanghyuk was fussing around him but he just waved the younger away, he really needed more alcohol.

Time became strange after that as if reality only came in pulses. There would be the loud singing, the crowd cheering behind him and the next silence would envelop him and his mind was miles away. It seemed like the more he drank the less control he had over what flowed into his thoughts and by the time Hakyeon felt fuzzy, warm and consumed by the liquor he was constantly thinking about Taekwoon, his mind unable to leave any thought of the other behind. He thought about their past, about how things had always been. The source of warmth Taekwoon always was to him, the stability he felt because he always knew the other was there for him. The warmth of Taekwoon’s body when they hugged or were simply close to one another. The soft skin that was a source of comfort, the hugs and closeness the other would only share with Hakyeon. The happiness Hakyeon felt whenever Taekwoon confided in him, came to him for comfort, came to him when he was hurting or crying. Hakyeon remembered the love. He wanted that. He wanted it more than anything. He wanted it back because he had had that….he wanted more. He wanted the other to love him as he did…Taekwoon was looking for him now, searching, hurt by Hakyeon avoiding him…and what was he doing? Running away? Trying to hide again…in a way he was still pretending wasn’t he? He would always be pretending if the other didn’t know how he felt, how he yearned for the other’s love and touches and presence. Why was he this stupid? He could’ve told Taekwoon so long ago already…they could’ve been together…Taekwoon had always been there still even if things weren’t the same…he wouldn’t suddenly abandon him now right? Hakyeon was fighting, but he didn’t know for what anymore. Why should he resist himself? Why should he stop himself from simply telling the other how he felt? Taekwoon loved him. Taekwoon loved him.

Hakyeon felt his cheeks wet at the train of his thoughts…he was crying, but he didn’t know why. He was happy with Taekwoon…if Taekwoon was only here, was with him…he needed to tell Taekwoon, he needed to be with the other. He wanted him so much. Hakyeon was stumbling out of his chair, his blurry vision and clouded mind making the steps to the stage hard. He had to find footing over and over again, nearly tripping twice. It felt like an eternity until he made it to the little platform, his ears ringing with the silence that followed. He could vaguely make out a guy telling him to pick out a song. He hummed, smiling at how prefect this worked out. Singing had always been their thing. He would tell him now, he would finally be free of his feelings. Hakyeon smiled widely, sudden happiness filling his body as he found the perfect song. It described how he felt so prettily, the lyrics resonating his heart.

He turned around to face the crowd, the nerves none existent. He had done this many times before. He and Taekwoon both. He loved it when the other sang. He had often sung for Hakyeon, a lullaby when he couldn’t sleep, a happy tune when they were sitting outside on the grass at their usual spot.

“Woon-ah!”, he shouted out at the crowd, squinting his eyes as he searched for the other.

Some of the people looked around, wondering what he was doing, who he was looking form, but Hakyeon didn’t care.

“Woonie! Woon-ah where are you?” he was speaking into the mic, the words bouncing off the walls of the club.

“Woon-ah.”, Hakyeon’s voice turned sad when his eyes couldn’t locate the other. He felt so off kilter, his emotions a turmoil inside him he couldn’t control. His vision got blurry with tears and Hakyeon suddenly felt broken, heart aching again.

“Woon-ah, you promised you’d always be here.”

The crowd was starting to whisper, but Hakyeon didn’t even notice. From behind there was a commotion and suddenly an outcall of his name.

“Hakyeon!”

“Woon-ah!”, the excited wide smile lit Hakyeon’s face and he reached out his free hand as if to touch the other who was looking up at him worriedly, pain and hurt in his eyes. Hakyeon didn’t want to see that. He wanted the other to look at him with adoration, with love. Isn’t that how one looked when the other confessed?

The music started playing in the background and Hakyeon gave a small, encouraging smile at the other before he began, his voice filling in the lyrics. The tears came on their own accord the at the sad words and he didn’t bother to wipe them away, he was only staring at Taekwoon the entire time, his eyes locking with Taekwoon’s, conveying every emotion, conveying all his love for the other.

 

You...  
Do you remember me?  
Like I remember you?  
Do you spend your life  
going back in your mind to that time  
Cause I  
I walk the streets alone  
I hate being on my own  
and everyone can see that I really fell  
and I'm going through hell  
thinking about you with somebody else

Somebody wants you  
somebody needs you  
somebody dreams about you every single night

Somebody can't breathe without you it's lonely  
somebody hopes that one day you will see

That somebody's me  
that somebody's me  
yea

How  
How did we go wrong?  
It was so good and now it's gone  
and I pray at night  
that our paths soon will cross  
what we had isn't lost  
coz you're always right here in my thoughts

Somebody wants you  
somebody needs you

somebody dreams about you every single night

Somebody can't breathe  
without you it's lonely  
somebody hopes that some day you will see  
That somebody's me  
oh yeah

You will always be in my life  
even if I'm not in your life  
cause you're in my memory  
you  
when you remember me  
and before you set me free

oh listen please

somebody wants you  
somebody needs you  
somebody dreams about you every single night

Somebody can't breathe  
without you it's lonely  
somebody hopes that some day you will see  
that somebody's me  
that somebody's me  
that somebody's me

 

Hakyeon couldn’t control the flow of tears by the end of the song, a sob tearing through his chest as he sang the last notes. He was still keeping his gaze on Taekwoon, but what he saw there was filling him with dread. Taekwoon was backing away, the crowd moving for him, helping him to run away, to leave Hakyeon.

“Taek! No, Taek-ah where are you going!” Hakyeons vision was blurred badly, he couldn’t see past his thick tears, he was reaching out to the other. Taekwoon was watching him with guarded careful eyes, as if he was scared as if he couldn’t get away from Hakyeon fast enough.

“Taek! No, no, no, don’t leave me, please Taekwoon!” he was crying out, but the other didn’t hear him, was practically running to the door. Hakyeon fell down on his knees, the walls closing in on him, his breath leaving in shallow little gasps as he tried to breathe through the pain, through the aching sobs that tried to claw through his chest.

He didn’t want to be alone, he couldn’t stand the emptiness, the silence, he hated being alone. Taekwoon couldn’t leave him, he couldn’t leave him on his own too.


	4. I can't go on, on my own

Hey guys it's been a whilebut its been a rough last month for me. I hope you guys enjoy the new chapterand continue to give this story love. Also I love hearing what you guys think and I will get back to replyng to comments again :)

 

Hakyeon awoke with a loud groan, his head filled with pain and…utter stupidity.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.”, he groaned, rolling over in his covers and burying his face in his pillow, dimly realizing (and thankfully) that he was at least in his bed and not still lying on the floor of the club.

“Ah, hyung I see you’re awake.”

“Jaehwan.”, Hakyeon said with relief, turning his head towards the younger, face still squished in the pillow.

“Morning hyung.”, another voice came.

“Hongbin!”, Hakyeon exclaimed only to be cut short with another sharp pain to his head, eyes squeezing shut and hand clutching at his hair. “Why are you here?”, Hakyeon groaned before a gasp escaped his lips. “Did you sleep here?”, he asked, eyes wide as his eyes flickered between the two.

Hongbin laughed, walking closer and pushing Hakyeon by his shoulder back down on the bed. “No hyung, unlike you we weren’t completely drunk.”

Hakyeon pouted, but brightened up when Jaehwan passed him some coffee. “Hyung.”, he spoke, voice reproving and Hakyeon sighed dipping his head down.

“I know.”, he said, “Did you see what happened?”

“We weren’t inside when it happened, no, but Sanghyuk told me when he brought me an unconscious you, hair a mess and face full of tears.”

Hakyeon winced and Jaehwan came to sit down at the side of his bed. “What happened?”, the younger asked, voice this time soft and tender.

Hakyeon let his fingers wrap around the warm cup, shivering at the warmth before he began. “After I left you two at the bar and went to go dance I got tired after a while and thirsty and went to the bar. You two were gone by then and I was there for a bit when Taekwoon appeared.” Hakyeon gulped here and Jaehwan shifted uncomfortably. “He wanted to talk to me, to know what he did wrong.”, Hakyeon scoffed, a sad laugh coming from his mouth, “I refused to talk to him, I just wanted to get away from him and I ran back to the dancefloor, but I got really claustrophobic and I was freaking out but Sanghyuk found me and took me outside. I calmed down but realised I couldn’t exactly go somewhere else since you’d be looking for me so I went back, I made sure I sat hidden in a far corner of the club…but yeah I just…starting drinking… and then I kept thinking about Taek and I missed him so much Jaehwan and they were doing karaoke and that had always been me and Taek’s thing and ….and I’m sure Sanghyuk told you the rest.”

“I’m so fucking stupid Jaehwan.”, Hakyeon sobbed tears spilling over, the crying only worsening his headache and Jaehwan took the cup from him with a sigh.

“You are.”, he said curtly and Hakyeon laughed through his tears.

“You’d think I was the younger one here.”

Jaehwan smiled and took Hakyeon’s hands in his own. “Hyung, he ran away right?”

Hakyeon turned his head to look blankly at the wall. “I know”, he said, voice thick and shaky. “But.”, he stuttered, taking in another shaky breath, “I’m glad actually, not that he ran away, I mean that I confessed.”

Jaehwan gave him a strange look so he continued. “Maybe not in those circumstances but I feel better. I feel like I’ve finally just let my emotions loose by telling him. It’s this huge weight that’s off my shoulders now that he knows. I think that maybe I’ve wanted to do this, subconsciously. Now that he knows how I feel, where I’m standing…he…he can do what he wants with it I guess. At least I know he knows.”

“So you really feel better?”

“Not right now.”, Hakyeon laughed slightly. “I was drunk and crying and he just left me there. And I feel like shit now. But ultimately…emotionally…my head’s clearer….I have nothing to worry or do now I guess….it all lies with him.” Jaehwan made to open his mouth, ready to say something but Hakyeon cut him short.

“And yeah I know he ran off, so it’s not like it’s a good sign and well from the beginning anyway I knew he didn’t love me that way, but maybe he’ll tell me he doesn’t feel that way about me and I’ll be like it’s okay and we’ll go back to being friends.”

Jaehwan was keeping his eyes down, concentrating for a while before he looked back up to Hakyeon again, eyes boring into the others.

“And what if he doesn’t want to be friends anymore?”

You could clearly hear the way Hakyeon’s breath hitched in the silent room and Jaehwan scrutinized his face, watching carefully the deep furrow in his brow and the pained look in his eyes.

“I’d respect that.”, Hakyeon said finally, speaking slowly as if weighing each word. “It was after all my own decision to have told him and I’d have brought it upon him and us, our friendship, because of confessing, so I’d have to understand his decision.”

Jaehwan sighed deeply. “Hyung, you need to stop shouldering everything on your own. Everything bad that happens isn’t your fault.”

Hakyeon turned his face away, lips pulled into an unhappy tug and legs pulling up to his chest. Jaehwan sighed again, standing from the bed and walking to the kitchen, Hongbin following silently behind.

“I’ll get you some water and meds, hyung.”

 

“Have you still not seen him?”

“You need to stop asking that.”

“Jaehwan! He’s been gone almost a week. How can I not be worried?”

Jaehwan sighed, halting their walk down the hallway and giving his hyung a pointed look. “He chose to run away, maybe he’s just avoiding you.”

Hakyeon gave him a dirty look, lips pulling back. “He hasn’t shown up for any of his classes! What if there’s something else wrong? What if something happened to him?”

“Why do you care Hakyeon?”

Hakyeon’s face fell, eyes widening in disbelief. “You can’t just expect me to suddenly not care. I’ve known him, loved him for so long, Jaehwan, all that doesn’t just go away.”

“How many times is he going to have to hurt you more for you to understand that he doesn’t care?”

Hakyeon’s eyes flashed in hurt and he jerked back as if Jaehwan’s words shocked him physically.

“Yes”, and Hakyeon’s eyes lowered, his grip on his books tightening in his hands, “he doesn’t care.” And Hakyeon walked away with quick brisk steps, faintly hearing Jaehwan call his name between the usual noise of the bustling hallway.

Hakyeon continued walking until he came to the little grass hill where he and Taekwoon had spent most of their free time. He plopped down with a heavy sigh, feeling the grass through his fingers.

Hakyeon was scared. He didn’t want to admit that of course, but he was. Had he really scared Taekwoon away? He hadn’t shown up once for his classes this whole week and Hakyeon had even checked his dorm and he wasn’t there. He was gone and hadn’t even attempted to contact Hakyeon. What if he had ruined everything? What if Taekwoon despised him now? Hakyeon felt guilty…because he couldn’t keep himself in check he might have ruined everything. Even if things had been bad, had been shaky, at least Taekwoon was still there, would still walk with Hakyeon to their classes it didn’t matter if it was in silence, he was still there. Hakyeon missed his presence dearly. And more than anything Hakyeon was afraid that something might have happened to the other boy. What if he had gotten in an accident? What if he was hurt somewhere?

Hakyeon took his phone out, scrolling through his contacts until he came to Taekwoon’s. “Taek-ah” It said. Hakyeon wanted to call the other, but he was afraid of that too. Another weakness, he scoffed. I’m always afraid of everything. What would I say if he was actually alright and was just avoiding me? I care for him more than what I care about not knowing what to say to him. I need to know if he’s okay.

“Hyung!” Hakyeon whipped his head around, catching the source of the voice.

“Ah, Sanghyuk-ah, what are you doing here?”

“We have class hyung, we’re going to be late!”

“What class?”, Hakyoen asked, confused. Time seemed to be moving so strangely for Hakyeon recently, he had no sense of when the classes were, when he had to go back to the dorms or when he had to wake up.

“Dance! Come, on we need to get to the studio.”

Hakyeon sighed. He didn’t feel like dancing. He hadn’t felt like dancing for a while now. The last time he had went to dance on his own had been the day Taekwoon joined him surprisingly in the studio and that was more than two weeks ago. He had no inspiration, no feeling or emotion to express in his dance when Taekwoon wasn’t here. After that day he was the one avoiding Taekwoon…maybe he was only just getting a spoonful of his own medicine. He had avoided Taekwoon for a week too after all. And now Taekwoon wasn’t here either. One way or another Taekwoon had always been his inspiration, his muse for dancing. A sigh escaped his lips. He couldn’t go on without the other.

“Ah, I’m not going. I feel sick Sanghyuk-ah, you go on without me.”

“Are you sure hyung?”

“Mmm.”, Hakyeon hummed in reply. “I think I’m just going to sleep it off.” He stood, gathering his things and Sanghyuk nodded, running off towards the direction of the dance studios while Hakyeon made his way down the other side of the hill, slowly walking to the dorm.

 

“Hyung…Hakyeon hyung, I’m sorry.”

“I know, Jaehwan-ah, I know you didn’t mean it in an unkind way. I understand that I…that I can’t let go of him…I don’t think I ever really can, it’s unhealthy I know, but until he tells me straight up that he wants nothing to do with me I won’t be able to let him freely go.”

Jaehwan visibly relaxed, reclining against the wall Behind Hakyeon’s bed and resting the elder’s legs over his lap, while Hakyeon lied down, staring at the ceiling.

“Why don’t you go dance hyung?”

“I don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like doing anything without Taek around”

Jaehwan sighed, curling his hands around Hakyeon’s calves. “I know”, Hakyoen said in reply to the sigh, “It’s pathetic.”

Jaehwan laughed then, suddenly, Hakyeon’s legs shaking with the movement from Jaehwan and the older curiously looked up at the other.

“No, hyung, you’re just in love.”

 

Hakyeon groaned at the tugging on his shoulder. He could sense the room was still dark and he hardly felt rested out so it still had to be night, or early morning and thus he should still be sleeping.

“nrgh”, he groaned again, rolling back against the wall, away from the tugging. “What’s it now Jaehwan?”, he slurred, still keeping his eyes closed.

“Hakyeon.”

He jolted at the sound of that voice. He could never forget it, never ignore the sound, he would always come crawling back to the sound of the other and now was no exception.

“Taekwoon!” Hakyeon’s eyes still hadn’t adjusted to the dark, but he could just make out the pale outline of a straight nose, high cheekbones and the dark hair that almost fell into his eyes.

“Where have you been?!” Hakyeon hands reached out almost at instinct wanting to reach out and touch him, to grab Taekwoon’s face between his own, to feel that he was tangible, that he was here. But he resisted, remembering, and pulled his hands away to let them fall into his lap.

Taekwoon was watching him, his eyes even in the dark able to look into Hakyeon’s with such intensity that Hakyeon squirmed, eyes dropping to his lap where his hands fidgeted. Even now, just in this moment, he could feel his body react to Taekwoon. His heart was racing, thumping unsteadily as if it couldn’t decide if it should be happy at Taekwoon’s presence or scared.

“I was so worried about you.”, Hakyeon let slip from his lips and he looked up unsurely to see Taekwoon dip his head, shaking it slightly before he sunk lower until his head thumped onto the bed covers next to Hakyeon. 

Hakyeon only realised now the other was kneeling at his bedside.

“Even when I’ve hurt you like this you still worry about me?”, Taekwoon spoke, voice muffled by the covers, yet he raised his head slowly, looking back at Hakyeon again in the darkness.

“Huh?”, Hakyeon said dumbly. Taekwoon’s suddenly appearance had thrown him off guard completely.

“I don’t deserve your worry Hakyeon.”

“Taekwoon, what’s going on? Where have you been the whole week? And how did you get in here? Where’s Jaehwan?” Hakyeon flicked his gaze around the room only to see Jaehwan’s bed empty, the covers pulled back.

“I…I ran into Jaehwan and asked if I could talk to him. He refused at first…he was mad, of course, he didn’t want for me to see you.”, Taekwoon spoke, voice ever so soft and careful as his eyes shyly held Hakyeon’s.

“We talked and I explained to him...everything and he let me in.”

“Taekwoon I don’t understand.”, Hakyeon was searching the other’s eyes desperately for an explanation.

“I- I’m so sorry Hakyeon.” Hakyeon heard the other’s voice break and Hakyeon gasped softly at the sight of Taekwoon breaking down in tears, one hand gripping the bedding while the other was clutched at his hair, holding his head as hot tears flowed down his cheeks.

Hakyeon’s heart clenched at the sight and his hands fluttered to Taekwoon, cradling his head in his hands, wiping the tears away from his cheeks with his thumb. “I’m so sorry.”, Taekwoon repeated, crying louder and Hakyeon was struck with what to do. Taekwoon had always come to him when he was hurt, when he was crying, or rather Hakyeon had always found Taekwoon in those times, comforting the younger, but still he had never seen Taekwoon hurt or cry this much, show this much emotion.

“Why are you crying Taekwoon? What’s wrong?”, he asked voice caring, and fingers carding soothingly through the other’s hair.

“What’s wrong?”, Taekwoon asked coldly, snapping back from Hakyeon’s touch. “Hakyeon, I’ve hurt you so much, I’ve been pushing you away time and time again and I ran away the other night and you were crying for me and I just hurt you again.”

Taekwoon was furiously wiping at his tears and Hakyeon sat there, staring at the other, not fully comprehending yet what was going on.

“I owe you an explanation, much more than that definitely but for now an explanation.” Taekwoon cleared his throat, hands resting either side of Hakyeon’s hand that was resting on the bedding. He was watching their hands in close proximity, yet careful not to let their hands touch. Hakyeon frowned in confusion.

“When we first started university, I wasn’t worried, I had thought, had this elusion in my head that things would always be the same, we would stay close, stay together, but when things started getting serious here, I began to worry. I knew that after university we would most likely have to do separate paths, have different jobs and I was scared that we’d drift apart and I…I was terrified at the thought of that. I didn’t want to lose you, I always wanted you in my life Hakyoen, you had always been there in the past and I had no idea what I would do if you weren’t in my future as well, but I realised that was childish, or rather I thought it was and so I started to push away. I was scared of knowing how much I needed you in my life and I was…I was unsure of my feelings, if they were normal…feeling so…strong…over someone that was only supposed to be my friend. I didn’t want to face reality, to face my emotions, nevermind telling you all of this and that’s why I started pushing you away Hakyeon. If we were to part anyway, I might as well have started now to make the transition easier right?”,Taekwoon laughed bitterly here, clutching his fingers, and digging his nails into his palm.

“I was so stupid, thinking like that and I went on like that, oblivious to how I was hurting you, for quite a while. It was only when I realised that you weren’t as bright as you always were, you weren’t smiling as much…it’s like you had lost your sun. I saw when you attempted to touch me but would stop yourself and pull back when before you had reached out carelessly to me, to touch me, to show affection. The guilt was eating at me because I saw how me pushing you away was affecting you. As much as I wanted to simply revert back to how we were, to apologize and go back to actually talking to you, I was scared of my own feelings. I still…don’t really know what I’m feeling Hakyeon…you were always, are still, so good at knowing what you feel. You can identify it and analyse it and I don’t know how to do that. I still can’t do it, I can’t name what I’m feeling Hakyeon, but I know that I can’t keep on doing this to you and I don’t want to. I want to want you in my life selfishly, I don’t want to care about anything else, I’m so sorry Hakyeon.”

Hakyeon was speechless. How had he been doubting him when Taekwoon had-?

“Taekwoon, Taek I’m sorry, I didn’t know and then I went and confessed and I’d only made things worse for you-“ Hakyeon didn’t realize he had been crying the whole time Taekwoon talked but now he was sobbing, his emotions spilling out.

Taekwoon interrupted the other by grabbing both the elder’s hands in his cradling the warmth to his face. “Hakyeon, how can you apologize? You didn’t do anything. How can you even accept me after I’ve hurt you so much? You’re too good for me Hakyeon.”

“I don’t care, I don’t care Taek.” The tears were still coming but Hakyeon was smiling through them and Taekwoon was smiling back, a sweet genuine smile that Hakyeon had missed so much, had wanted to see again for so long. “I doesn’t matter, please just for now, for tonight, let’s not worry about all the little things, just-“

“Yes.”, Taekwoon replied instantly, rising to his feet only to pull the covers back on Hakyeon’s bed and crawl in next to the other. Hakyeon accepted the warmth instantly, cuddling next to the other and curling his body against Taekwoon’s as the younger wrapped his arms around him, cradling him close. There was no thinking about what he was doing now, Hakyeon refused to. Tonight, now, he would feel without care, without worry. In the morning they could discuss things further, but right now Taek was here, he was holding him and Hakyeon couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so at home, so in place. He was happy here, wrapped in the other’s arms, tucked in at his side, he felt safe. And Taewkoon was smiling at him, sweetly again, his eyes holding so much warmth and Hakyeon felt like crying all over again.

“I’ve missed you so much Taek-ah”

“Me too, so much.”, Taekwoon replied, dipping his head down enough so he could place a kiss on Hakyeon’s hair. All this was so warm, so familiar. They had fallen asleep together so many times, Taekwoon often singing for the other and kissing his hair when Hakyeon fell asleep. They relished in the feeling of each other, leaving their worries for the morning to come.


	5. Put your arms around me

Thank you for all the kudos and comments! It's been a while so I hope you guys enjoy this chapter XD only one more chapter to go 

 

Hakyeon focused to keep his eyes closed when he felt his mind awaken, the little sunlight from the dorm window managing to just shine over his face illuminating the dark head of hair next to Hakyeon’s nose. When he had regained enough of his senses to move his limbs he felt his body and hands uncurl and curl back. He found his fingers clutched at Taekwoon’s shirt arms wrapped around the younger’s waist, his chest snuggled comfortably against the other’s muscular back, face buried in the crook of Taekwoon’s neck. Hakyeon breathed in the other’s scent, the undeniable feeling of comfort and familiarity seeping through at the smell.

Hakyeon snuggled closer, tangling his legs between Taekwoon’s making use of the opportunity while the other was asleep. He tightened his hold around Taekwoon’s waist and promptly sighed. Hakyeon had half expected the other to come to his senses sometime in the night and had left. Or maybe he had dreamt it all up and he would have woken up alone either way. But here Taekwoon was, asleep next to him….he hadn’t run away.

Hakyeon pulled away then, subtly moving off the bed. They had to get finished for classes anyway so it wasn’t like they could sleep in and stay cuddled for the rest of the day. They had too much to discuss anyway to allow the closeness of each other’s bodies.

Hakyeon padded off to the kitchen, filling the kettle and flicking the switch. He let himself gaze at the sleeping man while he waited for the water to boil. The other was adorable, hands curled in at his face, chest moving slowly, the hair of his fringe falling into his eyes.

It was strange to think the other had pleaded and cried to him the previous night.

“I don’t know what to think now.”, Hakyeon murmured to himself, running a hand through his hair. The kettle clicked off and Hakyeon turned, pouring himself and Taekwoon a cup of coffee.

“Hakyeon.”, Taekwoon’s groggy voice called, muffled by the multiple blankets and pillows.

“Hey, morning.”, Hakyeon smiled softly, bringing over Taekwoon’s cup and sitting at the younger’s feet. Hakyeon couldn’t help the fond smile as he watched Taekwoon get up slowly, hair sticking up in different places and eyes still screwed half shut at the light around the dorm. He had never been much of a morning person. It was cute, really and Hakyeon already felt the effects of the younger on him…a quickened heartbeat, butterflies in his stomach…his usual response when he was in close proximity to Taekwoon. 

Taekwoon was sitting up, head hanging and Hakyeon laughed, handing him the cup. Coffee always woke him up. After a few sips, and the hanging silence between them, Taekwoon still too asleep to notice, Hakyeon spoke up, hand coming to pet down the wayward tufts of brown hair.

“How did you sleep?”, he asked, keeping his eyes carefully away from Taekwoon’s and rather pretending his concentration was fixed on his hand, fingers weaving through the other’s hair to get it flat.

He could see Taekwoon watching him closely out the corner of his eye, the younger gazing at him attentively over his coffee.

“Good.”, the soft voice replied, a slight smile on the younger’s lips.

Hakyeon felt himself sigh. The other’s voice was so soft and sweet, his little smiles so heartwarming and cute…more than anything he wanted to look the other in the eye, watch the pretty eyes with their almost golden shine and lean in and kiss the puffy, sleepy lips.

Hakyeon restrained himself, as usual, and he wondered if he could stop doing that now, since he knew Taekwoon felt something…maybe only after they had the proper conversation could he then. He always felt this strong desire to be close to Taekwoon, to touch him, to feel him close. He wondered if Taekwoon also felt this way.

“And you?”, Taekwoon’s voice came again and Hakyeon stopped petting down the other’s hair and sat back, before he really kissed the other.

Hakyeon gave a small smile, not quite reaching his eyes. “Alright, thank you.”

“Hakyeon, I-“ , Taekwoon began, but Hakyeon held a hand up.

“Not now, we both have class in an hour and I want to talk properly. We can meet after all our classes today. At the hill, where we usually sit.” Hakyeon could feel the other’s eyes on him, but he pointedly avoided the stare, standing and taking the empty cups back to the kitchen.

“I’m going to finish up.”, he said before disappearing into the bathroom, shutting the door after.

 

When Hakyeon stepped out of the bathroom, Taekwoon was gone. Hakyeon pressed his lips into a thin line, but he had promised himself in the shower not ten minutes ago that he would not comment or make assumption on Taekwoon’s actions anymore. Not until Taekwoon himself had figured out what he felt and they had talked it out. He hadn’t understood Taekwoon’s actions before so what would it help to assume things like he did before…it was easier just to let Taekwoon explain himself.

Hakyeon was startled yet it was with pleasant surprise that he gasped when he tuned from his doorway in the hall after he had locked the door and found Taekwooon waiting there for him, hands folded, face patient, still with the little sweet smile on his lips.

“Oh, Taekwoon.” Hakyeon stood awkwardly, fumbling with the keys. 

“I figured I should start making it up to you.”, the younger said extending his arm towards Hakyeon. “We always walked together to class.”

Hakyeon was stunned silent, almost careful as he stepped forward and next to Taekwoon, the younger waiting patiently for him, gazing down at him as Hakyeon started the slow rhythmic walk to their class. Hakyeon felt hyper-aware of everything. He was undoubtedly glad that Taekwoon wanted to do this…wanted them to go back to normal…but he just couldn’t get the awful, lingering thought of just how long this would last out of his head.

They were about halfway when Taekwoon suddenly stopped their walk, Hakyeon halting as well, surprised. Taekwoon turned to him and held out his arm. Hakyeon only tilted his head in question and Taekwoon took the older’s arm linking it with his.

“Here.”, he spoke. “This is how you always forced us to walk.”, he grinned, watching the smile grow on Hakyeon’s face as well. It was relieving seeing Hakyeon smile now, it was as if he had been so hesitant to be himself. Taekwoon felt another pang to his heart. It was because of me, he thought to himself…I caused him to doubt himself, to hesitate in doing and saying what he normally would. Taekwoon felt another surge of new found determination. He would fix this. He would fix his mistake. “Let’s go.”, he smiled, pulling Hakyeon along and watching as the other stepped into his stride, shoulder’s brushing with their closeness and Taekwoon smiled internally when he felt Hakyeon grasp his arm tighter and snuggling against him, guarding himself from the cold as he used to always do.

 

Hakyeon was the first to get to the hill. If he remembered correctly Taekwoon still had one class in the afternoon before he was finished for the day as well.

“Maybe it’s good that I’m here first. I’ll clear my head before he gets here.”

Hakyeon lay back against the grass, staring up into the sky. He breathed out an airful before closing his eyes. “I just hope you feel the same Taek.”

 

“Hakyeon.”

“Hakyeon.”

Hakyeon’s eyes fluttered open, his mind groggy but just able to make out Taekwoon’s face above him.

“Hey, Taek, sorry I fell asleep.”

“It’s alright”, Taekwoon sat down next to the other, close enough that their shoulder’s brushed once again. “I’m sorry I hope you didn’t wait long.”

“No, no I finished about an hour back. I just planned to lie down a little but I guess I fell asleep.” Hakyeon smiled sheepishly.

They both sat in silence for a while, fingers fidgeting both obviously hesitant to begin.

Hakyeon was the first to speak up. “Sooo…”

Taekwon gave a short laugh, his head dipping down onto his chest to hide his face.

“I want to apologize.”, Taekwoon finally spoke, voice serious now and Hakyeon hated that he was unable to see Taekwoon’s eyes, to know what he was feeling.

“Over and over again, I’ll say sorry, but I know words can’t always make things right. I said I’ll make it up to you earlier and I mean it Hakyeon.” Here Taekwoon lifted his head, eyes boring into Hakyeon’s. The older was grateful though. Now he could see the determination burning in the golden shine.

“I can’t express how much I regret everything I’ve done. Even with the way I felt…instead of just talking to you, instead of telling you how I felt about everything I just shoved you away. We’re best friends…you’re the person I was supposed to confide in of all people, but somehow that had become difficult. It was easier to just push everything I felt back, to ignore it, but in the process of doing that I ignored you.”

Taekwoon breathed out heavily. Hakyeon knew the words, the amount he was speaking was taking a toll on him. It was never easy for him to talk and to talk this much was just something that never happened.

“I’m so sorry Hakyeon.” Taekwoon spoke again eyes shifting onto Hakyeon’s again.

Hakyeon found himself reaching out, and this time he didn’t force his instinct away, and taking Taekwoon’s hand in his own. He wasn’t looking at the other now, but he could still see Taekwoon’s eyes fixed on him.

He saw Taekwoon give a small, sad smile. “I noticed how hesitant you were today. You were careful whenever you touched me or spoke, like you weren’t sure you could be yourself. I don’t want you to feel that way.”, and here Taekwoon gave a squeeze to their joined hands, “I’m sorry I ever made you feel that way. I love you the way you are Hakyeon.”

Hakyeon looked up at Taekwoon sharply at his words. His eyes were searching the others, making sure, but there was no doubt evident in Taekwoon’s eyes, no trace uncertain words Hakyeon could find. He was staring, overly aware of the thumb gliding soothingly over his hand, and Taekwoon was staring back. For once Taekwoon didn’t break the eye contact and Hakyeon was so grateful to have the other look at him like this. Hakyeon’s eyes softened and instead of searching, he relaxed himself, pushed the final resistance of his instinct away and let his hands come to cradle Taekwoon’s face, a warm smile appearing on his lips. “I’m glad.” Hakyeon spoke. “And I love the old Taekwoon just as he is as well.”

Taekwoon’s eyes drifted away, darting down but Hakyeon forced his face up to his, ensuring that he brought his gaze back to Hakyeon’s as well. “Don’t run away from me anymore Taekwoon. I’ve always been here and I will be in the future as well. We don’t know what’s going to happen in two, three years’ time, but for now, here, I’m not going anywhere. We’ll figure our future out together, because I don’t want you to not be in my life either. Tell me if something’s wrong. You can trust me, you know that.”

Taekwoon had closed his eyes again, the eye contact while Hakyeon was talking too much for him, but Hakyeon waited, he knew to be patient with the other. But instead of a verbal response, Hakyeon found tears falling down the high cheeks, from behind the closed lashes. Hakyeon was startled for the first split second before he reacted, wrapping his arms around the other and pulling him to his chest, hugging the warm body close to his.

“oh, Taekwoon”, Hakyeon spoke into the other’s hair, hands running over the younger’s back, soothing the other as Taekwoon cried, sobbed into Hakyeon’s neck.

Hakyeon couldn’t explain the happiness that flooded him while holding Taekwoon this close. Even if the other was crying, was sad at this moment, Hakyeon knew things would be okay from now on, things would go back to normal.

“Why-why are you comforting me?”, Taekwoon spoke through his tears, his voice thick and cracking as another sob tore through his chest and he clutched tighter onto the material of Hakyeon’s jacket. “Again I was the one to hurt you, but I’m crying and you’re comforting me, just like last night, it’s not right Hakyeon!”, Taekwoon cried out, hands fisting at Hakyeon’s back.

“Taekwoonie, it doesn’t matter, stop thinking like that. It comforts me to comfort you. I think through all this time you’ve needed me more than you’ve noticed because you kept pushing it back. Burying all your feelings won’t make them go away, Woon-ah”

Taekwoon was suddenly crying harder than before, sobbing loudly at the words, at the truth. He had missed and needed the other so much.

“I’ve missed you so much Hakyeon.”, Taekwoon cried out over and over again, tears falling down his cheeks and drenching Hakyeon shirt and neck.

“I know, Woon-ah, me too, I’ve missed you too. I’m here now.”

Hakyeon was holding the other so tightly, their bodies almost moulded together, Hakyeon kneeling next to Taekwoon as the younger was practically draped over him. He was smiling happily through his own tears. Taekwoon was finally opening up to him, was finally letting his feelings out. He couldn’t have been happier.

“I’m here, I’m here.”, he chanted over and over into Taekwoon’s hair, hands soothing the other through each wrecking sob. “I’m here.”

 

Taekwoon had calmed down later on, the sobs turning into the occasional sniff and eventually even breathing. Hakyeon pulled back later, hands back on Taekwoon’s face, thumb rubbing any leftover tears away. “Do you feel better?”,, Hakyeon asked softly, fingers caressing the youngers skin.

“Yes.”, he replied, his own hands wrapping over Hakyeon’s and bringing them between their laps. 

“Taekwoon, you said you wanted to figure out what you felt.”, Hakyeon began, voice a bit careful as he watched the other. Even if Taekwoon had cried and let out all his pent up feelings it had only re-established their friendship and bond…it hadn’t made them something more and both knew there were feelings brewing underneath all that. And Taekwoon knew exactly how Hakyeon felt, now was the time to find out about the other.

“I know, it’s just…I don’t know how to know what I’m feeling you know?”

Hakyeon laughed and readjusted himself so he sat cross legged in front of the other, waiting for Taekwoon to do the same and continued when their knees brushed, hands still joined between them.

“I don’t know. For me I immediately know what I’m feeling. And after a while of thinking and sorting my emotions out I know why too. It’s easy for me and I know it isn’t like that for you. I can help you though.”

Taekwoon nodded. “Alright. Well. How do you feel when you’re around me?”Hakyeon began. Taekwoon frowned sitting in silence. He was thinking and Hakyeon didn’t want him to overthink…he simply wanted him to voice what he was thinking.

“Or rather how did you feel when I avoided you?” Taekwoon looked up now, eyes already clearer.

“Scared. I don’t want that to happen again. I was so afraid that I’d lost you and you were finally fed up with me, I don’t want to part from you Hakyeon, I always want you with me.”

“Hmm.” Hakyeon was thinking, distracted, and Taekwoon tugged on his hands, bringing his attention back to him.

“I don’t know how to turn what we have into-into a relationship.”, Taekwoon frowned, eyes darting away and a slight blush present on his cheeks.

Hakyeon chuckled. “But do you feel relationship-y feelings for me?”

Taekwoon frowned again, struggling once more to express himself. “I-I…”

“Are you attracted to me?”, Hakyeon asked next, eyebrows raised and a daring smile on his lips.

Taekwoon blushed deeply and Hakyeon laughed, head falling back. Hakyeon stopped laughing when the other didn’t answer. He leaned forward, close to Taekwoon and watched as the other audibly swallowed. His lips were at Taekwoon’s ear, just brushing over the skin as he spoke. “Are you Taekwoonie?”

It took another while, with Hakyeon stubbornly refusing to move from where he hovered over the other, before Taekwoon finally softly, embarrassingly murmured, “yes”

“Good.” Hakyeon spoke when he was sitting back again, watching Taekwoon with amusement. “I’m attracted to you too.”

“How does it feel when I’m close to you?”, he asked next.

Taekwoon’s answer came quicker this time around. “I like it. I’ve missed it.”

Hakyeon hummed and intertwined their fingers, holding it between them so Taekwoon could see. “And how do you feel when we’re holding hands?”

Taekwoon swallowed again, shifting around on the grass. “It’s nice.”, he spoke, his voice softer again, embarrassed.

Hakyeon was steadily leaning closer again, eyes blazing as he kept Taekwoon’s gaze. Hakyeon could pointedly notice how Taekwoon eyes kept darting between his eyes and lips the closer he came.

“And how do you feel when I do this?”, Hakyeon whispered, their lips practically brushing now as he spoke before he closed the little space between them and kissed the soft, plump lips.

Their eyes had slipped closed and Hakyeon temporarily forgot the amused smile he had and the little experiment they were having because the feeling of Taekwoon’s lips ran over it all, it consumed every thought and feeling and Hakyeon knew how dearly he loved the other now that he had finally, finally kissed him. It was only a press of lips, only slightly moving together before both were breathless already and they pulled back. They were panting over the other’s lips, foreheads resting together, hands intertwined tightly.

“How did it feel?”, Hakyeon whispered, hot breath puffing over Taekwoon’s lips. Taekwoon could make out the pretty eyelashes fluttering before his, the warm lips so close to him, Hakyeon’s body and heat against him. Taekwoon felt overwhelmed. “It was, I…again.”, Taekwoon spoke, commanded and he saw Hakyeon smile brightly, shifting that bit closer until he was sitting in the youngers lap and they were kissing again, heatedly, passionately.

 

They were panting, lips kiss-swollen and red-bitten. Out of breath, they breathed onto each other, hands still clutching the other close by the material of their clothes. Hakyeon was still perched on Taekwoon’s lap, the younger’s hands on his hips holding him there.

“Well I think we figured out how you feel.”, Hakyeon said eventually, a big grin on his lips. Taekwoon was smiling as well before he let his head fall onto Hakyeon shoulder, placing a kiss on the skin there. “Yes”.

“Are we dating then?”, Hakyeon asked and Taekwoon revelled in seeing Hakyeon back to his bubbly self, all smiles and laughs. It had been breaking his heart to see Hakyeon fade away and Taekwoon would make sure that never happened again.

“I guess.”

“Well, the label doesn’t matter. You want this right?”

“I do, I want to be with you.”

Hakyeon grinned happily and quickly pecked the other’s lips. “I want this too and I love you and that’s all that matters.”

Taekwoon blushed again but made sure to not look away this time, rather keeping his gaze locked and smiling. Hakyeon smiled back, as if reading everything that Taekwoon’s smile had meant, and reflecting it back to Taekwoon through his eyes, the deep brown shimmering with love, adoration, care, trust and hope.

“Although you still need to make it up to me.”, Hakyeon quirked.

“Anything specific?”

“Hmm.”, Hakyeon pretended to think, putting his finger to his chin. “unlimited skinship and I get to kiss you at least five times a day, no matter where we are and when; and no protests!”, he said, giving a stern look at Taekwoon.

Taekwoon smiled fondly, hands coming to rest at Hakyeon’s cheeks. “Of course.”, he spoke softly.

“Yay!”, Hakyeon cried, tackling the younger to the ground with a hug, both their happy laughter resounding through the air.


	6. And you alway hold my heart

Guys!! the last chapter!!!! Thank you all for sticking with the story! Thanks to all the readers and those who gave me kudos and commenters (^_^) I appreciate them so much. Writing has become such an enjoyable thing for me. I love it. It's the most awesome downtime thing to do :)

Anyway guys enjoy the last chapter and please tell me what you think, whether it's about this chapter or the whole story I'd love to hear :)

Enjoy! (^_^)

 

“Three”, Hakyeon spoke, followed by a kiss, a quick peck to Taekwoon’s lips and the younger promptly sighed but Hakyeon could still see the corners of his lips twitch in a smile.

Jaehwan chuckled in the background. “Are you still making it up to him?”, he questioned, an amused smile directed at Taekwoon. Hakyeon turned from Taekwoon to stick his tongue out at the other.

“Are you still trying to ask Hongbin out?”, Hakyeon countered, eyebrows raised. 

“Hyung!”, Jaehwan cried, “that was unaccounted for.”

Hakyeon laughed, tugging himself into Taekwoon’s side. “Just do it, Jaehwan-ah, or I’ll do it for you.”, he threatened, eyes narrowing before he was tugging on Taekwoon and leaving the room.

 

When the couple were alone, walking through the winding pathways of the university, Hakyeon turned thoughtful.

“Hmmm, have I punished you long enough now?” he was still stuck to Taekwoon’s side, his head neatly resting on Taekwoon’s upper arm as they walked.

Taekwoon smiled fondly. “It’s your call.”

“Maybe a couple more days.”, Hakyeon grinned, before reaching up and placing a kiss on Taekwoon’s cold cheek. “Four”, he giggled and Taekwoon chuckled into the older’s hair.

 

It had been two weeks that Hakyeon and Taekwoon had been together. Hakyeon naturally wanted to fall helplessly into their relationship but there was always this nagging feeling at the back of his mind. Taekwoon had been more than wonderful, he was doting and caring and he done everything in his power to keep Hakyeon smiling. It made the older happy that Taekwoon was serious about this and through every action and look the younger gave him Hakyeon could see the real, honest love.

Hakyeon was scared at first, to just let go and not worry himself about their future, about whether Taekwoon would stay the same or turn cold and distant within time again. They had talked for hours, sorting out what they had gone through, Taekwoon still apologizing whenever he noticed Hakyeon had a certain hollow look in his eyes…it took some time, but day by day that fear had disappeared and Hakyeon had trusted the other completely again until Taekwoon could look at him, hold him and say he loved Hakyeon without any guilt.

It saddened Hakyeon as well that Taekwoon felt so guilty. He hated the fact that he could see it burning in his eyes and Hakyeon just wanted to take it away himself. Now though things were lighter, easier, there was no more guilt, no more doubt, it was like it had always been those years back. They were blissfully happy and now more so than then as they had one another in all and every way. It was what Hakyeon had wanted, had needed and Taekwoon had drowned in his new found feelings. It sometimes still surprised Hakyeon how much Taekwoon needed this just as much as he did. Taekwoon would sometimes still come to him, crying, telling him how much he needed Hakyeon by his side and that he should never doubt or forget that.

It was moments like that, where Hakyeon hugged the other tightly, embraced him and wiped away his tears, knowing that Taekwoon came to him, cried to him, the emotions even overwhelming him of all people that he had sobbed into Hakyeon’s arms; that Hakyeon could feel this love they had for each other, grow and weave deeper into his heart. Taekwoon had always held his heart and now, so Hakyeon held his. 

Hakyeon was currently situated on one of the benches, sitting with a leg crossed over and his elbow resting on his knee, head resting on his hand, gazing at Taekwoon. The other had gone to get them coffee or in Hakyeon’s case hot chocolate, to warm them from the cold. It was a Saturday, both Hakyeon and Taekwoon had finished their exams and were now on holiday and while most of the other students had already gone home, the couple still had two more days here before they were off to Taekwoon’s parents’ house. Something which constantly had Hakyeon biting his lip fixating and Taekwoon constantly telling Hakyeon not to worry, that it would be fine.

Taekwoon for one seemed to be completely relaxed about living in his parents’ house for two whole months when they knew the two were together. Which kept Hakyeon wondering that maybe his parents had already known about Taekwoon’s feelings or at least suspected something and mentioned it to him that he was so calm about telling them officially.

Still Hakyeon was somewhat excited to see his extended family and be back to their warm Christmas dinners and staring up at the huge Christmas tree Taekwoon’s parents insisted on even though they were all grown up. It always felt so complete like he had his own family back and the stories Taekwoon’s parents would tell about his own made Hakyeon so happy. He was glad his parents had become friends with Taekwoon’s…they missed them dearly as well.

Hakyeon briefly caught Taekwoon’s stare from inside the shop and immediately he smiled, fond and caring and Hakyeon once again was left in awe that he would always push away his self-consciousness in public away for Hakyeon. Hakyeon smiled back and blew and kiss and even from a distance away he could see the other blush before Taekwoon was turning back to the queue in the coffee shop. Hakyeon giggled before he let his thoughts drift again.

 

“What are you thinking about?” Taekwoon had come plop down next to Hakyeon on the bench, startling the older out of his thoughts. He handed over Hakyeon’s hot chocolate as he took a sip of his own Americano, eyeing the older over his cup. 

“Christmas”, Hakyeon answered thoughtfully, staring straight, the faint trace of a smile on his lips.

“Stop worrying now, it’s going to be fine.”, Taekwoon retorted immediately, frowning with a pout. He had probably repeated those words a hundred times over the past two weeks.

Hakyeon chuckled. “No, not about that. I was just thinking about Christmas dinner with your family and all the stories they told me about my mom and dad. I’ve missed them too you know.” Hakyeon had glanced at the other now and watched as the younger’s gaze softened, free hand coming to rest over Hakyeon’s.

Taekwoon smiled softly. “We’re almost home. They’ve missed you as well. And last year…it wasn’t the same without you Yeon.”

“Home”, Hakyeon said, sighing happily at the word. Last year this time Hakyeon had insisted on staying the entire holiday at the university rather than coming home with Taekwoon as he usually did each year. He claimed he had found a job and wanted to start earning money, declining Taekwoon’s parents’ worried request of coming to visit. Hakyeon had felt bad, he didn’t want to disappoint the people that were practically his parents, but he couldn’t handle spending the entire time with Taekwoon when things had been that bad. They were hardly speaking to each other and Hakyeon knew his parents would realize something was terribly wrong and Hakyeon definitely wasn’t ready to confront his feelings and now he knew Taekwoon hadn’t been either. Now though he wanted nothing more than to go home to Mrs. Jung’s comforting and motherly hugs, Mr. Jung’s deep laughter, Taekwoon’s sister that would hopefully be there so they could side with Hakyeon on pretty much everything and tease Taekwoon. He had missed the smell of homemade food, of a love filled home, waiting ready for them. A warm family that cared for him. He had missed it so much and even at the times he found himself at the fireplace gazing at the pictures of Hakyeon and Taekwoon’s families both together, smiling, happily enjoying Christmas together; he felt no sadness. He knew they were safe and that they had been happy. He would see them one day again.

“Hmm”, Taekwoon hummed, resting his head onto Hakyeon’s. “Before home though we still have two days left and I want to do something.”

“What?”

“Something we haven’t done in a while.”

Hakyeon tilted his head curiously, turning so he could look at the other.

“You’ll see.”, Taekwoon smiled. “Just get dressed tonight. You skinny’s and eyeliner.” He grinned as he swiftly pecked Hakyeon’s lips, ruffling the older’s hair when Hakyeon still only stared at him, confusedly.

 

“You’re dense hyung.”

“Yah!” Hakyeon had turned from the mirror to glare at the younger, eyeliner in hand. “How am I supposed to know where Taek’s taking me? And why are you getting dressed too?”

“It’s obvious hyung.”, Jaehwan spoke as he styled his hair in his own mirror. “And Hongbin and I happen to be going out tonight too. It is Friday night and our last weekend here at Uni for the year as well so.”

“Ohh a date hmm?”, Hakyeon questioned, grin ready and eyes alight.

“Not a date per say.”, Jaehwan smiled sheepishly, “but we’re hanging out you know.”

“Sure, sure.”, Hakyeon winked, turning back to the mirror.

Jaehwan watched as his hyung turned around, going back to the mirror to do his eyeliner. He grinned as he noticed the way the tight skinny jeans sat.

“Hyung those jeans look hot on you, Taekwoon hyung won’t be able to keep his hands off you.”

Hakyeon laughed, before turning from the mirror once again, his eyes now lined skilfully with black giving a mysterious and sexy look to his tan complexion. “He can’t keep his hands off me anyway.”, he grinned.

“Hakyeon!”

“Ah that’s my cue”, Hakyeon spoke as he grabbed his jacket and headed for the door.

“See you later hyung!”

 

“Hey”

“Hi”

Taekwoon had draped an arm around the other’s waist, sweeping in and bringing him close, placing a kiss to his neck. “Are you ready?”

“Hmm”, Hakyeon hummed, wrapping his arms around the younger’s waist and nuzzling his face into Taekwoon’s muscular chest, very much enjoying the feel of it, the pleasant smile evidence of it.

 

“Yah, Jung Taekwoon, you take me here?”, Hakyeon jokingly glared, giving the younger a smack to the arm. They were just stepping through the door of their familiar University club; although so early at night it was still considered a bar rather and with the all too familiar karaoke set to the one side against the wall. Hakyeon cringed as they walked past it to the bar.

“The people here freakin knew me before and they certainly know me after the little incident. I don’t want to be seen here again!”, he cried, purposely avoiding the gaze of any staff members or familiar faces.

“I told you I would be taking you somewhere where we haven’t done something for a while. Something we used to do a lot together. I thought you’d be able to guess just from that.” Taekwoon was forcing the other down on a seat and lifting the older’s face up as well.

“And do you regret your confession?”, Taekwoon asked seriously, eyes staring into Hakyeon’s.

He watched Hakyeon’s eyes shift away and his lips turn down. “I don’t. It’s just embarrassing Taekwoon.”

“Hakyeon, I’m not here to embarrass you. I’m still making it up to you right?” Hakyeon nodded. “This place holds so many memories of our time here in Uni and we sang together and had a good time with our friends. Things that happened on the better days between us, happened here. I want to make a new one, of us, together. And you can dance with me as much as you want tonight. I won’t complain.”, Taekwoon smiled, smoothing his thumb over the older’s cheek as he watched Hakyeon’s eyes light up and finally sparkle at the mention of dancing together.

Their previous night’s here, Taekwoon had willingly sung with Hakyeon but dancing had always been something he sat out on. It was Hakyeon’s expertise and passion and he would rather have watched him dance and enjoy himself than join in. Unless Hakyeon forced and dragged him onto the dancefloor which definitely happened.

“Really?!”, Hakyeon grinned excitedly, hands already half tugging Taekwoon’s.

“Yes, really.”, Taekwoon smiled fondly, interlocking their fingers. Hakyeon was already jumping with excitement, eyes gleaming. “Drinks first though.”, Taekwoon spoke with a grin, turning to the bar and ordering for them.

“1...2…3…go”

The pair poured back their drink, swallowing in one go, both grinning at each other afterwards, a steady red glow making its way on their cheeks, an added effect of the alcohol. After five shots they were both pleasantly buzzed, enough so that Taekwoon could finally be dragged to the dancefloor.

The club had in the meantime filled with people, the dancefloor already quite busy and the atmosphere and vibe was getting Hakyeon elated. Taekwoon’s hand, warm in his own as they stepped through the people to the centre, was something he’d never forget. When Hakyeon had found his spot, he turned, Taekwoon’s hands already resting on his hips, and faced the other, smiling brightly. Taekwoon had enough alcohol in his system to smile back freely, careless and bright, unbothered by all the other moving bodies around them. Hakyeon began to sway and Taekwoon followed the movement, stepping closer to Hakyeon, so close their chests’ were touching and Taekwoon’s breath blew over Hakyeon’s face. They were silent, but their eyes spoke everything needed to say. The music filled the silence, too loud to really talk anyway and Hakyeon felt drowned yet he didn’t know if it was in the music that consumed him or the feeling of Taekwoon so close, smiling so lovingly, his hot hands burning pleasantly on Hakyeon’s hips or the eyes that never left his in the heat of the club.

They danced for quite a while, different beats filling their ears and controlling their movements. Hakyeon had turned again, leaning his back onto Taekwoon’s chest, head lolling back onto the younger’s shoulder as he danced with his eyes closed and a grin still plastered on his face. Taekwoon’s one hand was still on his hip, the other resting over his waist, holding him to him. Hakyeon very much enjoyed varying his pressure of grinding back onto Taekwoon as they danced, relishing in the soft growl he could faintly hear and the way Taekwoon’s fingers tightened on his hip. Hakyeon was still laughing at the way Taekwoon grinded back onto him when he felt a cold hand touch his shoulder and his eyes snapped open.

Jaehwan was standing before him, a grin on his face and his eyebrows raised as he took in the two’s dishevelled state. Taekwoon still had enough dignity to blush darkly while Hakyeon only ginned.

“Behave yourselves!”, Jaehwan shouted over the music and Hakyeon stuck his tongue out.

“What are you doing here too?”, Hakyeon shouted back, only now noticing a grinning Hongbin next to Jaehwan. He gave the other a meaningful look but Jaehwan simply smiled mischievously and grabbed Hongbin’s hand leading him a little way away to dance as well.

Hakyeon turned back to Taekwoon when the other two disappeared, shaking his head as he chuckled. Taekwoon was immediately ready to swoop Hakyeon back into his arms, wrapping him up close, their chests pressed together. Hakyeon grinned even if Taekwoon couldn’t see it and placed a quick kiss to the younger’s neck.

They danced for another while, both giving in to the euphoric feeling, Hakyeon urging himself continuously to engrave the memory and sight of Taekwoon dancing with him like this in his mind. The other’s pretty pale skin was illuminated with the lights, his dark eyes seemingly shining in the dark and more intense in their stare and the almost constant pleased smile on Taekwoon’s lips was mesmerizing. 

Taekwoon in turn was mesmerized by the way Hakyeon’s skin glowed in the dim lights, his chocolate brown eyes so bright and happy each time he caught them. The way he moved especially. The sassy sway of his hips, the roll of his head and the waist that turned and dipped according to every beat of the music. It was addicting watching him dance and Taekwoon felt his mouth go dry whenever Hakyeon was stepping closer, his hands grabbing onto him and when the other had started to grind and roll his hips onto Taekwoon’s.

A voice over the mic interrupted the dancing, the music momentarily turned down.

“The karaoke will begin shortly.”, the voice announced and Hakyeon was grinning all over again at the prospect of singing with Taekwoon on stage like they used to do.

With a promise that they would indeed sing together later on, Taekwoon had returned them to the bar, sitting Hakyeon down on a chair as he excused himself to go to the bathroom.

The lights had turned on, the people dancing cleared from the floor and the stage getting ready to set up, preparing for the first singer.

 

“Yeon.”

Hakyeon snapped his head around at the sound of his nickname.

“Yeon.”, the call came again and Hakyeon took notice that it sounded much louder than what it would if someone had simply shouted.

“Yeonnie!” And now Hakyeon had finally detected the sound, gaze snapping up to the stage and staring incredulously, along with all the other people in the club, up at Taekwoon.

“Taekwoon, what are you-“ Hakyeon had risen from his chair, making his way slowly to the stage.

Taekwoon was blushing, obviously feeling very self-conscious under the lighting and the stares, but he was preserving, keeping his gaze locked on Hakyeon as if he could erase all the others from the room by solely concentrating on Hakyeon.

“Hakyeon”, Taekwoon began and the room fell to silence. “I know we’re already together but I still feel I should return the gesture and give you a…proper confession. Even though you were drunk during yours it doesn’t matter because I heard it and I knew you had meant every word and I still feel like apologizing to you over and over again for doing what I had done. I had left you that night and I feel horrid so feel free to walk out after you’ve heard mine.”, here Taekwoon chuckled nervously, hands wringing together. “anyway, I…I know I’ve messed up and we’ve already talked through all this so tonight I really want to start anew and make things…official I guess.” Hakyeon was staring dazedly at the other, face blank in unbelief.

“So…uhm, yeah you can start the song.”, Taekwoon spoke awkwardly, turning to the staff member who handed him his mic.

Taekwoon was back to staring straight into Hakyeon’s eyes as the music began the soft notes filling his ears as he took a deep breath, controlling his shaky emotions and parting his lips to let the soft, sweet voice fill the room.

 

I tried to tell you how I feel  
I tried to tell you but I'm weak  
Words don't come easily  
When you get close I shiver  
I watch you when you smile  
I watch you when you cry  
And I still don't understand  
I can't find a way to tell you

I wish I was your lover  
I wish that you were mine  
Baby I've got this feeling  
That I just can't hide

Don't try to run away  
There's many things I wanna say  
No matter how it ends  
Just hold me when I tell you

I wish I was your lover  
I wish that you were mine  
Baby I got this feeling  
That I just can't hide

All I need is a miracle  
Oh baby all I need is you  
All I need is to love you  
Oh baby all I need is you  
Baby you

I wish I was your lover  
I wish that you were mine  
Baby I got this feeling  
That I just can't hide

Just wanna be your lover  
Just wanna be the one  
Let me be your lover  
Let me be the one

 

Hakyeon was unaware when he had started crying. Maybe at the first sound of Taekwoon’s singing voice. Something he had heard so long ago and something he had definitely longed to hear. Maybe it was when he finally took notice of the words, the meaning behind it and the emotions reflecting every word in Taekwoon’s eyes. Or maybe it was when the song ended, the tension and silence in the room so highstrung, yet Hakyeon was fixed on the sight of Taekwoon staring back down on him, eyes brimming with his own tears, a little sob breaking through his voice when he spoke Hakyeon’s name, moving closer to the edge of the stage and finally crouching down so he could lightly jump off.

“Hakyeon”, Taekwoon called out again, hand reaching out to the other and Hakyeon was struck with the familiarity of it. He stepped closer though, another step until they were meeting one another, touching and before Hakyeon could even register how it had happened, he was wrapped in Taekwoon’s arms, the tight embrace so moving and warm. Taekwoon had pulled back, staring straight at him, his eyes as intense as ever. A pale hand had come to rest on his cheek and for the first time Hakyeon had found himself absolutely speechless.

Somewhere at the back of his mind Hakyeon could register the rhythmic chant of “kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss” and he briefly looked up to the crowd seeing Jaehwan shouting it out the loudest of them all, a bright grin on his face. Hakyeon was still blank, eyes glazed over as he washed over the sight of his friend and he dimly registered the hand that he had seen there was connected to another, to a dimpled smiling face. Hakyeon only had enough time to notice this before Taekwoon had grabbed his face and brought him in, kissing him fiercely, passionately and Hakyeon felt himself melt and his mind finally click back into place.

He could taste the salt in their kiss and he realized they were both still crying, but Taekwoon wouldn’t pull away, instead he gripped Hakyeon closer to him, kissing the other completely breathless until they were panting over one another’s lips. They were so close and Hakyeon was so right, so in place at that moment. He couldn’t have cared or noticed even the crowding people around them, he was locked away in his and Taekwoon’s world, all his senses blocked to anything but Taekwoon’s sight, touch and smell. He could feel Taekwoon’s wet eyelashes flutter on his cheeks and another tear dripped between them.

“Hakyeon.”, Taekwoon was speaking again, shaky breaths passing his lips and over Hakyeon’s.

“Yes?”

“I love you, I love you so, so much”

Hakyeon was smiling through his tears, hands running over and over the brown hair on Taekwoon’s head, cradling him close and kissing him all over his face. Forehead, nose cheeks, closed lashes, lips. Taekwoon was smiling softly and sweetly…much like everything he was and did. Hakyeon didn’t want anything else. He didn’t want anyone else.

“I love you too Taek, I love you.”

 

A/N: and I'm a sappy shit i always end my fics with i love you's but lol i don't care I'm a proud sappy shit XD


End file.
